April Fools...the Joke's on Me

Yesterday after giving the dud the cold shoulder for 3 months, I decided to be kind instead. I spoke more than two words. We almost had a real conversation even.

The dud stopped by my office again today. He's been coming by about twice a week to check behind his cleaning crew, so I wasn't entirely surprised to see him in the office before lunch.

Since I opened the door a little yesterday, he tried to pursue more conversation today. This time he asked what went wrong with us. I look at him and asked, "Are you serious?"

He said he was, so I asked if I should start with the lying or the other women. He asked if I thought anyone else could lie besides him. It was a humorous exchange to me. Eventually I told him he was dismissed because I didn't have anything else to say about it. He laughingly said I was mean. I assured him that he has not seen me really mad yet. He shook his head and went on his way.

After lunch a man came through the front door of the office carrying a basket of flowers for me. Gerber daisies, pink and yellow roses, and waxflower...some of my favorites.The card said, "You are Beautiful!" but didn't have a name signed to it.

I figured it was from the dud. It was a hand-written note, but I haven't seen much that he has written.

A call to the florist confirmed that it was from the dud. He didn't get me flowers for my birthday while we were dating but he sends them now? You just can't be nice to some people without them thinking there is more going on between the two of you.

The dud came back in later that afternoon with one of his cleaning crew members. They vacuumed and swept the floors but he never mentioned the flowers. I wonder if he will tell me they are from him.

It is flattering to receive flowers, but not as exciting when you know it's someone who is a "no."

6-Months-No-Dating {4 Months and a Day}

Yesterday made 4 months of no dating and I didn't really notice. It crossed my mind at one point but then I forgot until I slowed down when I laid my head down to sleep last night. That's then the weight of things I've been carrying around hit me.

I found myself lonely and tired last night wondering how the father of my boys could just walk away. How can someone refuse to visit their kids and pretend to be a good parent? I married him, so I blame myself for letting him be the father of my children.

And now I'm alone trying to do it all with some assistance from my parents.

I'm not even trying to meet anyone.

A couple of people I know have had success with online dating, but I still can't stomach the idea of it. And I hope to move this summer and don't want to meet anyone here who would thwart that plan.

What I should do is to meet up with some girlfriends for dinner and a night out. But between work and school, I'm short on time and energy those friendships deserve. 

Something has to give....besides me.


I guess the silver lining is I made it 4 months without dating without the pressure I felt when I tried before.

 

6-Months-No-Dating {3 Months and I Didn't Even Try Not to Try}

And just like that, three months have passed without falling for another Mr. Wrong. 

So I've only been to dinner with one male friend who cannot be moved out of the friend zone because we've been in that zone too long. He's a great guy...for someone else. I tried to set him up with someone and it didn't pan out. That's another reason he has to stay in the friend zone. It would hurt my friend if he and I connected now.

While it is comforting to avoid more terrible choices, it has been a little lonely. That pesky holiday with hearts, candy, flowers, and dinner came and went with little fanfare. 

I did hear from the boundary pusher that day. He wished me a Happy Valentine's Day. I wish him a happy single awareness day. He replied that he was definitely that and that he was heading out for a hike that afternoon. The way it was worded, he left the door open so I could invite myself to join him on his hike. No, thanks. I was busy that day taking my boys to basketball and visiting with my sister who was in town. 

I guess I should be excited that someone could still be interested in me. Somehow it's not that flattering.

Most days I find another assignment due for class which leaves little time for thinking about my single status.

I know I don't have to have a man. But I would like a someone special to share life with. Pressing on...

Motivation Monday {Betrayal & Backstabbing}

Listen to my prayer, O God,
    do not ignore my plea;
hear me and answer me.
   My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught
because of what my enemy is saying,
    because of the threats of the wicked;
for they bring down suffering on me     
    and assail me in their anger. - Psalm 55:1-3

Betrayal in any form hurts. Sometimes it's easier to overlook and forgive. 

Mistakes happen. Accidents happen.

But when it becomes clear that someone has sabaotaged you intentially, it hurts. Especially when it is someone who should have your back instead of thrusting the proverbial knife in it.

I am struggling to find a Biblical response. I want justice. I want them to get called out for their bad behavior instead of getting away with it again.

Lord, help me leave justice in your hands and know when to speak up for myself.

Loving Yourself {I'm OK Without You...Really}

In all my years, I have never had this happen. I think I'm being stalked.

Usually when there is a break-up, I talk to whoever I was dating within a few weeks. You start to wonder "what if" and get in touch with the other person to see if they are wondering the same thing.

Not any more.

The red flags were all around with the dud, the last guy I dated. I could see them waving and tried to ignore them and give him the benefit of the doubt. But the truth came out that the flags were right and I needed to walk away.

Apparently, he can't take "no" for an answer. 

He works in my building and keeps finding excuses to stop by our floor the last two weeks after being invisible for a month. Why now? 

Maybe he truly sees that he screwed up with me and wants another chance. But I'm going to guess that things didn't work out with whoever he was pursuing, so now he's got time to chase me down for an answer to "what went wrong." Nevermind that he disappeared after giving an ultimatum that I was supposed to know was a joke.

No, I'm not going to chase after you. You did me a favor by being a jerk. No, I don't wonder where things went wrong. I can see that I should have never entertained the idea of a relationship with you. No, I don't want to try again. I'm thankful God closed that door.

I think about the lyrics from a Cowboy Mouth song: "I might love you, yeah. But I love me more." Not that I loved him. But I do love myself enough to say "not again."

I'm ok without you in my life...really!

6-Months-No-Dating {Two-Month Mark...Again}

This week has been a parade of ex's and bad potential partners. On Tuesday alone, I saw the last dud, the ex almost fiance, the boundary pusher that wanted to date, and then my ex-husband called the boys. So many wrong choices, so little time...

I've reached the two-month mark again of no dating. I'm still not imposing a required limit of 6 months this time around. But based on the selection in this town, I should sail right through it. I have settled one too many times in the past. 

 I am not desperate. 

And neither are you.

I can be alone....even though I'd rather not be some days. Plus who has time to be alone with a full-time job, two kids, and three grad school classes? I'd love to just be able to sit quietly in one place and read a book, that's not required reading, and relax.

Alone time sounds really nice right about now.

Friday Reflections {I Survived Another Week}

My faith has struggled this week. I know what I'm hoping for, but I'm definitely not seeing it...yet. Somehow I have managed to hang on despite all the obstacles that came my way. I suppose that's what you call grace. Hoping my faith improves with some rest this weekend.