Hanging On

Today someone asked how I was doing. I told them I was hanging on like a hair in a biscuit.

Horrible visual, I know. But it's also fitting.

Lots of good things seem to be going on in the world around me, but I'm not so much enjoying them as I am hanging on for dear life so I don't completely miss out.

I still haven't connected with people at church. I don't meet up with my friend in town. My family has been fighting off the latest round of germs circulating the school. I'm trying to press through the next 2 months and get to graduation.

Then what? I'm not sure. I'm applying for jobs so I can figure out the next step. But everything is up in the air right now.

So I'll keep hanging on...hoping that things will improve soon.

Is there a hair or not a hair?

Cautiously Optimistic

The relationship with my friend from high school has continued to grow and blossom into something more.

My boys and I visited him over the winter break. He played tour guide for us while we were in Texas. It was a casual way to introduce my boys to him. Plus it gave me a chance to see if he had what it takes to put up with my boys.

He passed with flying colors!

When we returned home, my mother commented on how polite the boys were being. She knew we had been working on manners, but the boys had changed so much during our time away. 

It's because of my friend. He consistently encouraged them to speak kindly to the wait staff at meals and to me throughout the day. 

Could this be the person I've been searching for? He's definitely been a positive influence on them. If he had this kind of impact after 4 days, imagine the next 10 years for them.

I've found hope again just when I was ready to throw in the towel on dating. 

Motivation Monday {Confident While Praying and Waiting}

That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. - Luke 7:7
 
Yesterday at church, the preacher talked about the centurion who was humble and confident. He was humble because even though he was a man of high ranking within the Roman world, he knew he was less than Jesus. The centurion showed his faith by showing confidence that Jesus could heal his servant without stepping foot in his home. And Jesus did it.


Then the preacher started poking at old wounds. I imagine I wasn't the only who felt that way. He asked how many of us had given up on praying about something in our lives because God hadn't answered yet and things weren't happening the way we wanted.

The preacher encouraged us to begin our prayers again. He lead the congregation in a prayer to renew marriages, repair broken finances, and bring lost people to Jesus.

I have things I've let drop. Sometimes it's hard to trust God's timing when we feel like we've been going through for long enough. It's hard to believe that God loves us when we see other people doing the wrong thing and being blessed (or at least appearing to be blessed) when we are trying to follow Him yet seem stuck in the same place.

How many of us are waiting for God to speak something into our lives? I know I have friends who are praying for circumstances in their life to improve. We have to keep praying and keep believing.

And I need to keep praying for them.

I left church yesterday full of hope that things will get better and prayers will get answered.

Too... Far... Apart...

A week and a half ago I was wondering how far is too far apart.

Apparently I wasn't the only one wondering this.

Today my boyfriend broke things off with me. Over the phone. Oh, the joys of long-distance relationships.

He said he couldn't do this any more. I had to ask for clarification of what "this" is.

Since we visited church together he's been thinking about our differences in faith as well. He said he has to be true to himself.

I wasn't going to beg and I didn't. I have begged before and I know how useless it is when someone has already made up their mind. Besides, I won't have to beg the right person to stay.

But I did try to explain a couple of things. Because even when people try not to make it personal, a break-up is taken personally. So I felt like I needed to explain my position a little.

I was concerned about our differences in faith. I was trying to respect where he is. My counselor had told me not to rush things and quit worrying and just let things happen. I had peace when I left her office.

Yet in his self-examination, my guy arrived at a different decision.

He told me I am awesome. Most days I think I am. It's hard to believe that when the person saying it is breaking up with you. He told me my kids are awesome. They are! He said we needed someone who shared our beliefs to be part of our lives and that's not where he is.

I thanked him for his honesty. But I was confused because in early conversations he said if things got serious down the road that he was willing to take his family to church if that's what needed to happen. He said he thought he could do it, but he was wrong.

My faith has been important to me for a long time. When I had no one, I had Jesus. I am not giving that up for any man. I had left a lot of room for this guy to be who he is even when it didn't line up with my own beliefs. 

There has been an honesty and authenticity in this relationship that has been missing with so many with "Christian" men I've dated. That is probably what I will miss the most. And his wit. And his smile.

Ok, I love him. That doesn't stop just because someone ends a relationship. But I will do what I've always done....put one foot in front of the other.

How Far Apart Is Too Far?

We are much closer than this. :)

It's a tough question to answer.

Are we talking about physical distance? I've only tried long-distance dating one other time before this relationship. Being three hours apart became too much back then. But when things went south, it provided a much-needed cushion between us.

This time around I am only and hour and a half away from my guy. Some days it might as well be three hours. One benefit is the distance makes us treasure the moments we do get to be together. The distance also keeps us from rushing things because we can't be with each other every free minute.

What about emotional distance? Maybe it's not so much distance as difference. People speak different love languages. Based on a quiz I took, I prefer acts of service and quality time. Sometimes the physical distance makes the emotional distance challenging. If your someone special speaks a different love language, it can be difficult to adjust to meet their needs. But adjusting is what we need to do for people we care about.

Then there's the issue of spiritual distance. Does your someone special view God the same way you do? The chances of seeing everything exactly the same are pretty slim. So how far apart on your beliefs can you be and remain together? That's the question I'm really struggling with today. I'm trying to be sure that I'm not reading more into things than is there...that I'm not chasing a rabbit down a hole.

How far apart is too far?

Are You Really Listening?

I feel like I'm being retested this week.

Last week I felt like God was saying, "Listen," and that I got the message to keep leaning in. But this week it's like I'm being tested again on the material covered last week. It's like God is asking if I really meant what I shared.

I do. Or I think I do.

Am I really failing that miserably that I need to be retested?

In a discussion this week with my mom, she reminded me that God is the only one we can count on. People will disappoint us. I assured her that I understood that but that I want my person - the one who holds me close at the end of a bad day. 

She reminded me that my person will still irritate or disappoint me just like she gets frustrated with my dad. Even after 43 years of marriage, there are bumps in the road. People get tired and tempers get short and feelings get hurt.

So am I turning to God when I'm lonely and scared and I can't reach my person?

Friday Reflections (Keep Leaning In}

This week I've been trying to focus on listening to the message God has been trying to send me. The message that I might have been missing because I have the next thing to do on my mind.

What is surprising is that it's not a new message.

Lean into God. Keep trusting God.

I know. It's not mind-blowingly profound but there is something beautiful about it's simplicity.

What is it we want from people? Someone to care and be there for us. Apparently, God wanted to remind me that He is always there. When you get stressed, overwhelmed, or worried, give it to God.

Honestly, I could use that reminder every day.

When God Winks {Do It Afraid}

Since the beginning of this year, a theme has been repeating in my life: Do It Afraid. It was in my devotion this morning as well.

All semester I had to give presentations in front of my class. It didn't matter if there were 3 people or 15, my heart would start to race and words spilled out of my mouth faster than my mind could process them. 

Each time I had to get up there and do it afraid. And each time I gave a presentation, it got a little bit easier.

Then I had to talk in front of a group of 30 for work. I could feel my heart racing yet again but tried my best to calm my nerves and talk loudly and clearly.

Next was a sewing workshop for a dozen kids. Like many things, I know enough about sewing to be dangerous...and to teach the basics. When I started talking, my heart was pounding. The words were jumbled in my head and coming out of my mouth. But when I got into the hands-on part, I was in my element. I'm teaching another workshop next week, so it must have gone better than I feared.

Now I've entered a time in my life where I must love afraid. It's scary to date again. It's scary to put myself out there and be vulnerable again. It's scary to kiss more frogs hoping this one might be my prince. 

But if you don't put yourself out there, whatever it is, and do it afraid then you might miss out on a wonderful experience.

What are you willing to do afraid?

6-Months Later {And I'm Dating}

Last month I mentioned that I had created an online dating profile and met a couple of nice people. Well, one of those nice people and I have made a connection and started dating.

Honestly, I didn't expect it to go anywhere. He lives an hour and a half away and invited me for lunch or dinner since here works in my town from time to time.

The dating website said we weren't a good match. 

You answer a series of questions and based on your responses, the dating site tells you what percentage match you are with the other person. I had already turned down some other guys who looked nice enough because the numbers were below 50%.

Some things you can overlook. I don't like scary movies, but the other person might. That is something we can work around.

Other things are deal breakers. If the other person doesn't want a monogamous relationship, then I'm not interested in pursuing more with them.

But there was something there that the website didn't take into account...a human connection that can't be explained by answering questions or crunching numbers...a gut instinct. So, I decided to see where it will lead.

I didn't quite make it all 6 months with no dating, but I had already decided not to put that pressure on myself this time around.

Already this relationship has emphasized my need to just be. No schedules. No timelines. No pressure to reach milestones. 

Just relax and take a deep breath and just be in the moment.

Friday Reflections {On a Saturday}

It's been one of those weeks. You know the kind...where every little thing that can goes wrong does. Or at least it seems that way.

And just when you think it's time for things to improve, something else goes wrong.

Yep, that's been my week.

I was trying to work on my "legacy" this week by loving on my boys, spending quality time with them, and introducing them to new things.

Added to that is the opportunity to work on another part of who I am...part of my legacy.

Resilience.

In my life, I have been knocked down more times than I care to count. I know it could be worse, but the challenges seem to come in the form or fashion that fit the person. You get hit where it hurts the most.

So this week I have practiced pushing through problems and frustrations. I let my kids see me be weak and then get up and keep moving. I want them to know it's okay to get discouraged but they don't have to stay down. Keep pressing on!

Motivation Monday {What Is Your Legacy?}

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  - Matthew 6:19-21

In class tonight we discussed what gives meaning to a person's life. What do you value? What do you put your heart into? How do you want to be remembered?

Good questions that should make you pause to see if you are on track for where you think you should be. If not, are you willing to do what's necessary to accomplish the goal?

Loving Yourself {One Year Later}

That's right. It's been one year since Mr. X and I parted ways. 

I have seen him driving around town a handful of times. The first couple of times I felt my heart rise up in my chest threatening to pound right out of my body. I don't know why I got so nervous. Maybe it's because I was still hurting and missing him.

After not seeing him for several months, I saw him again about a month ago. That sense of fear and dread was gone. It didn't occur to me immediately, but I realized later that I had let go of the hurt and he no longer had a hold on me.

I haven't heard one peep out of him in the last year. Usually people pass a milestone...a birthday or New Year's...and reach out to see how the other person is doing. Not Mr. X. I haven't contacted him either since that Sunday last June where I saw him at church.

He never apologized for his part. I don't expect to ever hear from him again or for him to apologize. That's not who he is. As painful as it was, he did me a favor by not committing to me. He wasn't ever going to be completely committed to me or anyone else. 

I'm in a better place now. I'm not dating by choice. But I am surrounded by love.

6-Months-No-Dating {3 Months and I Didn't Even Try Not to Try}

And just like that, three months have passed without falling for another Mr. Wrong. 

So I've only been to dinner with one male friend who cannot be moved out of the friend zone because we've been in that zone too long. He's a great guy...for someone else. I tried to set him up with someone and it didn't pan out. That's another reason he has to stay in the friend zone. It would hurt my friend if he and I connected now.

While it is comforting to avoid more terrible choices, it has been a little lonely. That pesky holiday with hearts, candy, flowers, and dinner came and went with little fanfare. 

I did hear from the boundary pusher that day. He wished me a Happy Valentine's Day. I wish him a happy single awareness day. He replied that he was definitely that and that he was heading out for a hike that afternoon. The way it was worded, he left the door open so I could invite myself to join him on his hike. No, thanks. I was busy that day taking my boys to basketball and visiting with my sister who was in town. 

I guess I should be excited that someone could still be interested in me. Somehow it's not that flattering.

Most days I find another assignment due for class which leaves little time for thinking about my single status.

I know I don't have to have a man. But I would like a someone special to share life with. Pressing on...

Motivation Monday {Betrayal & Backstabbing}

Listen to my prayer, O God,
    do not ignore my plea;
hear me and answer me.
   My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught
because of what my enemy is saying,
    because of the threats of the wicked;
for they bring down suffering on me     
    and assail me in their anger. - Psalm 55:1-3

Betrayal in any form hurts. Sometimes it's easier to overlook and forgive. 

Mistakes happen. Accidents happen.

But when it becomes clear that someone has sabaotaged you intentially, it hurts. Especially when it is someone who should have your back instead of thrusting the proverbial knife in it.

I am struggling to find a Biblical response. I want justice. I want them to get called out for their bad behavior instead of getting away with it again.

Lord, help me leave justice in your hands and know when to speak up for myself.

Friday Reflections {I Survived Another Week}

My faith has struggled this week. I know what I'm hoping for, but I'm definitely not seeing it...yet. Somehow I have managed to hang on despite all the obstacles that came my way. I suppose that's what you call grace. Hoping my faith improves with some rest this weekend.

Motivaion Monday {Yes, On a Tuesday}

Have you noticed how when you have a Monday off for a holiday that there's twice as much to do on Tuesday? Then it feels like the Monday you missed double teaming you with Tuesday.

Today was one of those days.

At work, letters that should have been sent last week suddenly needed to be sent today. I appreciate the vote of confidence to pull rabbits out of my hat, but there was no way to get everything done today. 

Added to that was the stress of class tonight that included a presentation. It was a rough weekend trying to decide if I really felt like finishing grad school instead of running away to join the circus. Grad school won, so I found myself scrambling to finish an assignment due today with my time off yesterday. I did manage to complete the assignment but felt like I was rolling into class on two wheels. 

It is easy to only post the good things that happen and pretend you don't struggle with any problems. But that's not how the real world works. Some days you just have to get up and put one foot in front of the other even when you don't feel like it. 

6-Months-No-Dating {EPIC FAIL....and I Don't Care}

A month ago I reached the halfway mark and thought I had broken my two-week cycle of getting out of something that felt like dating. 

Well, I was wrong. 

It started as lunch and grew into something more. But I decided not to buck things and just go with the flow.

Does this mean I gave up on God? Hardly. Does it mean I need a man more than God? Not at all. 

Honestly, I was struggling with an existential crisis. Turning 40 and not being where I want to be in life hit me harder than I would like to admit. I didn't want to be alone for my birthday (even though my friend and I didn't do anything super special for my birthday because I spent it with family). 

There are times in life when you want or need an actual person. I needed one and he was there. 

Am I using him? I would say no because I am genuinely interested in him. I couldn't spend much time alone with a guy unless I could see potential for more. Yet, there is some nagging feeling in the back of my mind that maybe I'm overlooking something I shouldn't. Maybe that's traces of the old relationship still lingering. 

Perhaps that tingling feeling is my subconscious telling my head what my heart doesn't want to hear. 

Motivation Monday {Mending a Broken Heart}

18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit. - Psalm 34:18

One day you wake up and that dull ache in your heart is gone. One day you realize you no longer miss them the way you used to. One day you realize that God has given you new hope

Thank you, God, that one day is finally here. 

6-Months-No-Dating {Halfway There}

Today marks three months since I made the decision not to date. It has been a bumpy ride, but I finally seem to have broken free from my roller coaster two-week cycle. I have made my boundaries clear to the men in my life and I'm sticking with it!

Friday Reflections {Are You Weary or Renewed?}

Have you taken time this week to rest in God? Are you feeling renewed today or weak and weary?