What Now?

Thursday was rough. After our break-up conversation, my guy unfriended me on FaceBook. I had to block him so I wouldn't be tempted to keep looking at his page even though there wasn't much for me to see. I removed pictures of us from my phone. My heart ached as I looked at two smiling, happy people and wondered how everything had changed in a week and a half. 

I made it through yesterday without any tears. When you have children, there isn't much time to sit and dwell on things. Or even be alone with your thoughts for long before someone interrupts them needing something.

Today I had a rough moment when I saw he resigned from our last Words with Friends game. I know it's just a game, but it was about more than that. How does someone go from loving you to completely shutting you out of their life?

What now?

I'm not sure when I will be ready to date again. I have resisted letting my heart get involved for so long. Getting it crushed when I put myself out there doesn't help. 

I'm tired of the cliches from well-intentioned friends and family. 

"God has someone else in mind for you."

"Praise God that he's preparing the right person."

On some level I get it and I want to believe it, but today I'm struggling. 

I'm not going to try 6-Months-No-Dating again. I can see a month-long or longer manbattical though. I've got plenty to keep me busy the next few weeks between finishing this semester, moving, and getting my kids ready for the new school year.

Speaking of my kids, I have frosting to make for our cake. Life goes on. I will keep going too.

When God Winks {Do It Afraid}

Since the beginning of this year, a theme has been repeating in my life: Do It Afraid. It was in my devotion this morning as well.

All semester I had to give presentations in front of my class. It didn't matter if there were 3 people or 15, my heart would start to race and words spilled out of my mouth faster than my mind could process them. 

Each time I had to get up there and do it afraid. And each time I gave a presentation, it got a little bit easier.

Then I had to talk in front of a group of 30 for work. I could feel my heart racing yet again but tried my best to calm my nerves and talk loudly and clearly.

Next was a sewing workshop for a dozen kids. Like many things, I know enough about sewing to be dangerous...and to teach the basics. When I started talking, my heart was pounding. The words were jumbled in my head and coming out of my mouth. But when I got into the hands-on part, I was in my element. I'm teaching another workshop next week, so it must have gone better than I feared.

Now I've entered a time in my life where I must love afraid. It's scary to date again. It's scary to put myself out there and be vulnerable again. It's scary to kiss more frogs hoping this one might be my prince. 

But if you don't put yourself out there, whatever it is, and do it afraid then you might miss out on a wonderful experience.

What are you willing to do afraid?

Friday Reflections {Looking Back to Move Forward}

This has turned into a week of reflection.

I got to peer into a world of music and travel and hear about rubbing elbows with the rich and famous. Those things are appealing to a lot of people, but what made me smile the most this week is the prayers of my children, talking with old farmers, and making a new friend. I enjoy moments of glitz and glamor, but that is not how I want to live my life every day.

I went to the concert of an artist that I saw for the first time right after I moved here. I didn't realize it had been so long until they announced the date at the beginning of the show. It stirred up memories of all the things that have changed in the last 6 1/2 years.

I'm definitely in a better place emotionally. Those days where I barely had the strength to crawl out of bed to take care of my kids are long gone. Things that used to bother me don't as much any more.

I think I'm in a better place spiritually too although I still have a lot of room to grow. I have tried to maintain some daily quiet time to be renewed.

I'm in a better place physically. I am jogging on a regular basis and feel fit and healthy.

My mind is probably the only thing I was able to hang onto all this time. Although the cognitive dissonance at times between what was said and what was done frustrated me, my mind continuing to work helped me sort things out.

It's not the journey I would have chosen, but I can see that I am in a much better place.

Motivation Monday {Trusting God for Direction}

By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed and went out to a place he was going to receive as an inheritance. He went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he stayed as a foreigner in the land of promise, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, coheirs of the same promise.  For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose architect and builder is God. - Hebrews 11:8-10 HCSB

This was the scripture the preacher used at church yesterday. His message was directed at graduating high school seniors, but I heard the message in there for me too.

Abraham did not know where he was going. I've heard this part before many times, but it clicked for me yesterday. My life is a journey and I don't always know where I'm going. Even when I have a good plan, it doesn't usually go exactly as expected.

The preacher went onto add that when Abraham finally got to this place that God promised him, it looked nothing like he expected. It was going to require work.

How many times have we built an ideal in our mind of the way something should be? 

I have prayed that God send me a partner for a while now. I have a long list of qualities that I think he should possess. These aren't shallow things like blue eyes and a nice tan. It's a list of character traits that I think the right person for me and my boys should have.

So what happens when the person standing in front of you doesn't come in the package you expected? Open the package anyway and peel off all the layers of wrapping. You may find something inside that's even better than what you prayed for. It's important not to limit the way God may work in your life. That is easier said than done.

The preacher also pointed out that 500 years after Abraham entered the promise land, his family, generations later, was able to walk through vineyards and draw water from wells that he started. It took time for that vineyard to grow and become established. It didn't happen overnight.

I have to remind myself to slow down and take time to get to know someone. Grow in love instead of fall in love. I don't have to have all the answers immediately. God isn't in the habit of giving me those answers in advance anyways.

6-Months-No-Dating {5 Months Down}

Last Friday made 5 months of no dating. Whoopty do. I should probably more pleased with myself, but it's getting to where this feels like one more deadline to meet. I didn't start out this round to require myself to go all 6 months. Now I'm so close, I feel like I should try to make it.

Loneliness has a way of sneaking in. A couple of weeks ago, I decided to sign up for online dating. A friend had recommended a site where she met someone. It's free, so I didn't have much to lose.

A couple of my best photos and witty comments later, I had a profile. I've gotten messages from scammers and those who only want sex. But I've also chatted with a couple of nice people. Getting to know someone takes time, so we'll see if it goes anywhere.

In the back of my head is this nagging thought that I'm supposed to be growing closer in my walk with God during this time. I have to confess that has not happened like it should. 

I've been busy surviving school. My daily devotion time has felt rushed. Another day and another box checked.

As I wind down the semester, I see that month of free time stretching out ahead of me threatening lonely weekends and empty dance cards. Instead of dwelling on what could be or what isn't, I need to find a way to focus on time with my kids and quiet time.

Friday Reflections {On a Saturday}

It's been one of those weeks. You know the kind...where every little thing that can goes wrong does. Or at least it seems that way.

And just when you think it's time for things to improve, something else goes wrong.

Yep, that's been my week.

I was trying to work on my "legacy" this week by loving on my boys, spending quality time with them, and introducing them to new things.

Added to that is the opportunity to work on another part of who I am...part of my legacy.

Resilience.

In my life, I have been knocked down more times than I care to count. I know it could be worse, but the challenges seem to come in the form or fashion that fit the person. You get hit where it hurts the most.

So this week I have practiced pushing through problems and frustrations. I let my kids see me be weak and then get up and keep moving. I want them to know it's okay to get discouraged but they don't have to stay down. Keep pressing on!

Loving Yourself {One Year Later}

That's right. It's been one year since Mr. X and I parted ways. 

I have seen him driving around town a handful of times. The first couple of times I felt my heart rise up in my chest threatening to pound right out of my body. I don't know why I got so nervous. Maybe it's because I was still hurting and missing him.

After not seeing him for several months, I saw him again about a month ago. That sense of fear and dread was gone. It didn't occur to me immediately, but I realized later that I had let go of the hurt and he no longer had a hold on me.

I haven't heard one peep out of him in the last year. Usually people pass a milestone...a birthday or New Year's...and reach out to see how the other person is doing. Not Mr. X. I haven't contacted him either since that Sunday last June where I saw him at church.

He never apologized for his part. I don't expect to ever hear from him again or for him to apologize. That's not who he is. As painful as it was, he did me a favor by not committing to me. He wasn't ever going to be completely committed to me or anyone else. 

I'm in a better place now. I'm not dating by choice. But I am surrounded by love.

6-Months-No-Dating {3 Months and I Didn't Even Try Not to Try}

And just like that, three months have passed without falling for another Mr. Wrong. 

So I've only been to dinner with one male friend who cannot be moved out of the friend zone because we've been in that zone too long. He's a great guy...for someone else. I tried to set him up with someone and it didn't pan out. That's another reason he has to stay in the friend zone. It would hurt my friend if he and I connected now.

While it is comforting to avoid more terrible choices, it has been a little lonely. That pesky holiday with hearts, candy, flowers, and dinner came and went with little fanfare. 

I did hear from the boundary pusher that day. He wished me a Happy Valentine's Day. I wish him a happy single awareness day. He replied that he was definitely that and that he was heading out for a hike that afternoon. The way it was worded, he left the door open so I could invite myself to join him on his hike. No, thanks. I was busy that day taking my boys to basketball and visiting with my sister who was in town. 

I guess I should be excited that someone could still be interested in me. Somehow it's not that flattering.

Most days I find another assignment due for class which leaves little time for thinking about my single status.

I know I don't have to have a man. But I would like a someone special to share life with. Pressing on...

Loving Yourself {Is He Committed to You?}

You know that feeling of loss when a relationship ends that you thought was going somewhere? And suddenly you realize you were doing most or all of the work and he was reaping all the benefits. You continued to build the fantasy of your future together and he let you. Maybe he even encouraged you with phrases like "you are not like other girls I've dated" or "this is the best relationship I've ever had." In the end, he walked away. Or maybe you had to walk away because you realized he was NEVER going to commit to you.

In a blog titled The 'New' Side Chick, Miss T.N. King nails it. We've become a place holder until someone else comes along. It's time we love ourselves more and walk away from men who aren't good to us or for us.

Friday Reflections {Are You Weary or Renewed?}

Have you taken time this week to rest in God? Are you feeling renewed today or weak and weary?

Motivation Monday {Running the Race}

But those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31 NIV

Some days we find ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually worn down. Sometimes it's because one trickles down to the other. Early mornings mean being physically and mentally drained which can lead to being emotionally drained. Sometimes it seems to be piling on, threatening to overwhelm and pull you under.

Find a moment, especially on these overwhelming days, to lean into God and rest.

Close your eyes a moment. Feel that?

Soak in His love. Renew your strength. Find a way to keep pressing on.

Loving Yourself {Learning to Love Me}

"A lot of pain could be avoided if people learned to be honest with themselves. If you aren't being honest with yourself, then you aren't loving yourself. If you aren't loving yourself, then you can't really give anyone else love. Be honest with yourself so you can give the best of yourself to the relationships that truly matter."

This idea was rolling around in my head during the drive home from family vacation this past weekend. Almost two months out of another wrong relationship, I was contemplating life as I drove the long stretches of highway, my boys distracted in the backseat with a DVD. 

How had I once again found myself in this place? Why was I starting over again?

Recently, I watched Andy Stanley's new series about Starting Over. So many times it was like he was speaking directly to my situation. So while I had a few minutes to myself, this idea of loving yourself came to mind. 

Of course, I was thinking about how it applied to him...the most recent guy to exit my life. But there's nothing I can do to fix anyone but me. 

So how does this apply to me? What am I doing to love myself?