Now that I've been able to step back and evaluate things without emotions overwhelming my thoughts, I realize there are a few lessons to be learned from my most recent dating experience.
1. Let Go
Let go of rigid ideas about how life is supposed to be and how things are supposed to turn out. So you're looking at the top of the head of the person standing in front of you. Forget what's on the outside and focus on what's on the inside.
Let go of needing to have all the answers. Trying to control things tends to frustrate me more. Sometimes I need to let go and just be. Maybe you need to do the same.
2. Hang On
Hold tight to the things that are important. Depending on your age or experience or both, you have a list of dealbreakers in place. Stick with them. You arrived at these dealbreakers for a reason.
If you are allergic to dogs, and don't want to date a man with pets, then don't. It doesn't mean he's not a nice guy. It just means it won't work for you. Save each other some time and heartache and go your separate ways so you can find the person who is a better fit for you.
3. Love People Where They Are
You and your someone special don't have to agree on everything. He likes country and you like jazz. Maybe you prefer to be Baptist and he's Methodist. If it's not a dealbreaker, then roll with it.
We want people to accept us with all our flaws and mistakes. Are we willing to do the same and accept their imperfections?
Some of these are more of a refresher, but apparently I like doing things the hard way. Here's to doing better next time!
What lessons have you learned from dating?
The idea of accepting people where they are has been coming up a lot for me this summer. Like many things, it's easier said than done.
We need to remember all that God has forgiven. God accepts me just as I am. He does the same for anyone who comes to him. We have to work on accepting people the way God does.
But knowledge puffs up while love builds up. 1 Corinthians 8:1
Yesterday the preacher let us know that no one cares how smart we are. We can know the Bible backwards and forwards. But if we aren't showing God's love, then what good is it for us to know how good God is.
We have to be the hands and feet that reach out and share His love. No, we don't have to approve when people do something wrong. But how hard is it to say things in love rather than judgment? We need to work on loving people where they are and letting God correct them.
I hate painting. But let me explain.
Yesterday morning, my day was off to a good start. I was filled with peace and happiness. I worked on finishing the trim in one of the bedrooms. But painting the house has given me time to think.... and chase the white rabbit.
I talked to a couple of classmates last night to fill them in on what happened. I thought it would be better to preempt any questions with a simple explanation. I found myself deep in conversation with one of the older women in my class.
Then doubt started to fill my mind. Her take is that Mr. Too Far Apart is scared.
I've been painting again today... and chasing the rabbit again.
Is he missing me? If he is missing me, would he text? Should I text him first? How long do you leave someone alone before you check in to see if there's still a chance to work it out? And what if they aren't missing you and you just embarrass yourself?
I know I'm not the only one that struggles with these questions.
As strong as I'm trying to be, the truth is I didn't want it to end. I was willing to work out whatever differences there were.
I'm hoping he is missing me and will change his mind.
Thursday was rough. After our break-up conversation, my guy unfriended me on FaceBook. I had to block him so I wouldn't be tempted to keep looking at his page even though there wasn't much for me to see. I removed pictures of us from my phone. My heart ached as I looked at two smiling, happy people and wondered how everything had changed in a week and a half.
I made it through yesterday without any tears. When you have children, there isn't much time to sit and dwell on things. Or even be alone with your thoughts for long before someone interrupts them needing something.
Today I had a rough moment when I saw he resigned from our last Words with Friends game. I know it's just a game, but it was about more than that. How does someone go from loving you to completely shutting you out of their life?
What now?
I'm not sure when I will be ready to date again. I have resisted letting my heart get involved for so long. Getting it crushed when I put myself out there doesn't help.
I'm tired of the cliches from well-intentioned friends and family.
"God has someone else in mind for you."
"Praise God that he's preparing the right person."
On some level I get it and I want to believe it, but today I'm struggling.
I'm not going to try 6-Months-No-Dating again. I can see a month-long
or longer manbattical though. I've got plenty to keep me busy the next few weeks between finishing this semester, moving, and getting my kids ready
for the new school year.
Speaking of my kids, I have frosting to make for our cake. Life goes on. I will keep going too.
A week and a half ago I was wondering how far is too far apart.
Apparently I wasn't the only one wondering this.
Today my boyfriend broke things off with me. Over the phone. Oh, the joys of long-distance relationships.
He said he couldn't do this any more. I had to ask for clarification of what "this" is.
Since we visited church together he's been thinking about our differences in faith as well. He said he has to be true to himself.
I wasn't going to beg and I didn't. I have begged before and I know
how useless it is when someone has already made up their mind. Besides, I won't have to beg the right person to stay.
But
I did try to explain a couple of things. Because even when people try
not to make it personal, a break-up is taken personally. So I felt like I
needed to explain my position a little.
I was concerned about our differences in faith. I was trying to respect where he is. My counselor had told me not to rush things and quit worrying and just let things happen. I had peace when I left her office.
Yet in his self-examination, my guy arrived at a different decision.
He told me I am awesome. Most days I think I am. It's hard to believe that when the person saying it is breaking up with you. He told me my kids are awesome. They are! He said we needed someone who shared our beliefs to be part of our lives and that's not where he is.
I thanked him for his honesty. But I was confused because in early conversations he said if things got serious down the road that he was willing to take his family to church if that's what needed to happen. He said he thought he could do it, but he was wrong.
My faith has been important to me for a long time. When I had no one, I had Jesus. I am not giving that up for any man. I had left a lot of room for this guy to be who he is even when it didn't line up with my own beliefs.
There has been an honesty and authenticity in this relationship that has been missing with so many with "Christian" men I've dated. That is probably what I will miss the most. And his wit. And his smile.
Ok, I love him. That doesn't stop just because someone ends a relationship. But I will do what I've always done....put one foot in front of the other.
