Long-Distance Limbo

The last couple of months have been strange. 

I've been talking with an old friend from high school. It's easy... the way I think dating should be. He knows my story and I don't have to explain the ugly parts. He's already heard them.

But there is distance.

He's closed to gap by moving closer. He's no longer 20 hours away but now 6 hours away. That's still a long drive.

Somehow I haven't noticed the distance as much as I have before with other relationships. Maybe it's the comfort level we have as old friends. I don't feel as pressured to be "on" like I have at the beginning of other relationships.

Maybe I haven't noticed the distance because I've been so busy with another semester of school. And knocking out my on-site hours. And taking care of my kids.

At one point in the semester he worried that he was distracting me from school. I was feeling bad because I didn't think I was giving him the attention he deserves. It's a strange new place to find myself...someone who thinks of me as much as I think of them.

Attempting to date long-distance is challenging. But this time I think I've found something that's been missing.

Weighing My Options

After living here a couple of months, I know I need to get out and meet people. I love my kids, but I need adult interaction.

I reinstated my dating profile, and the messages started flowing in. I felt uncertain about trying to date again. I let several days pass while I sat on my feelings. Twiddling my thumbs at home isn't helping me meet people, so I answered a couple of the messages.

One of the guys got frustrated that I didn't answer immediately. He could see I was on the dating website. He assumed that I was ignoring him because his next message to me was that it looked like I was too busy on the site to respond and that it was nice chatting with me. I let him know I was sidetracked by my kids and nice chatting with him too.

No one needs that kind of pressure. Even if it hadn't been my kids, I might have stopped looking at the site to check laundry. Or I might have been considering a thoughtful response. Give people a chance to reply. What his response showed me is that he is self-centered. Thanks for saving me from you!

And that guy's response reminded me that I really don't feel like dating again right now. It's not that I relive it with each telling the way I used to. I'm just tired of thinking about it.

I am shaped by my past, but it doesn't define my future.

Yes, I want to meet someone special, but I don't think that's going to happen online for me. That night I deleted my profile and found myself back at square one.

Another option is to join a Bible study group. No, I don't plan to do this to find someone to date. It would be nice to get out and meet other adults besides the ones where I work. Plus it would be nice to connect with other believers. Between my school schedule and more parents' work, I'm not sure how I will be able to do that unless childcare is provided.

There are running groups along the Coast I would like to join. The exercise would help lift my overall mood. Additionally, it would give me an opportunity to meet new people. Unfortunately, I have the same problem of school and work schedules.

I know I need to do something differently to get a different result. The question remains of what to do.

True Colors Shining Through

Life is hard. No one gets out alive. Few people get through without any bumps and bruises. So when I meet someone new, I listen to their story and I find myself watching and observing to see who the real person is. 

A friend tried to set me up with someone new back in August. I wasn't quite ready and had to let go of some hurt to put myself out there again.

And then I found myself waiting.

My initial hesitance caused him to pause. And even after deciding I was ready to move forward, he had cold feet.

This week he finally decided to be all in too. Until he wasn't.

He received some troubling news related to his family. I sympathize greatly. It's news that would upset me too. But with this troubling news, he has retreated. He warned me that he probably would.

I get that people deal with problems in different ways. I've tried to give space for him to sort through his emotions. I have things going on too, but he's not checking on me. He can find time to post on FaceBook but not text me.

Once again I find myself silently waiting and wondering where I fit in.

The truth is, he's telling me that I don't fit in. He's showing me who he is. He may be an overall nice guy, but right now he's treating me like a doormat.

I deserve better.

Be Your Own Cheerleader

Some days are tough.

You wake up tired. Your kids aren't listening. Your coworkers are grumpy. And it's not even Monday.

Today I find myself having to be my own cheerleader. Today I have to remind myself that I'm pretty awesome even if I'm not perfect.

So the kitchen wasn't spotless when I left the house this morning. But I did manage to put away the clean dishes before I left.

Maybe there are four loads of laundry to fold. At least there are clean clothes when someone runs out of socks. Hopefully, that will get taken care of tonight.

I may not have a husband or boyfriend but I'm a catch. The right guy will know I'm worth pursuing. I won't have to spend my time chasing him, but I will be ready to let him know I'm interested.

This is one of those days where my life feels like it is in limbo. But when I'm my own cheerleader, I remember my blessings. It's hard to stay down long with so much to be thankful for.

Motivation Monday {Confident While Praying and Waiting}

That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. - Luke 7:7
 
Yesterday at church, the preacher talked about the centurion who was humble and confident. He was humble because even though he was a man of high ranking within the Roman world, he knew he was less than Jesus. The centurion showed his faith by showing confidence that Jesus could heal his servant without stepping foot in his home. And Jesus did it.


Then the preacher started poking at old wounds. I imagine I wasn't the only who felt that way. He asked how many of us had given up on praying about something in our lives because God hadn't answered yet and things weren't happening the way we wanted.

The preacher encouraged us to begin our prayers again. He lead the congregation in a prayer to renew marriages, repair broken finances, and bring lost people to Jesus.

I have things I've let drop. Sometimes it's hard to trust God's timing when we feel like we've been going through for long enough. It's hard to believe that God loves us when we see other people doing the wrong thing and being blessed (or at least appearing to be blessed) when we are trying to follow Him yet seem stuck in the same place.

How many of us are waiting for God to speak something into our lives? I know I have friends who are praying for circumstances in their life to improve. We have to keep praying and keep believing.

And I need to keep praying for them.

I left church yesterday full of hope that things will get better and prayers will get answered.

When You Aren't Quite Ready

I made it through my month-long manbattical with no trouble. Between moving and school, I didn't have time to worry about being alone. In fact, I had a week with no kids and limited adult interaction which was a much needed break and time to gather my thoughts. I also used that month to catch up with old friends.

Now I've returned to a place I lived over 15 years ago. I have a couple of friends who are still here, but there are so many new faces. Plus I'm meeting new people with my job.

New doors are opening, and I'm not sure I'm ready to walk through any of them. 

I'm not missing anyone else. My heart isn't ready to love again yet. Getting to know someone is even a scary prospect. One day I will be willing to give away my heart again. But for now...

3 Dating Lessons Learned

Now that I've been able to step back and evaluate things without emotions overwhelming my thoughts, I realize there are a few lessons to be learned from my most recent dating experience. 

1. Let Go
Let go of rigid ideas about how life is supposed to be and how things are supposed to turn out. So you're looking at the top of the head of the person standing in front of you. Forget what's on the outside and focus on what's on the inside.

Let go of needing to have all the answers. Trying to control things tends to frustrate me more. Sometimes I need to let go and just be. Maybe you need to do the same.

2. Hang On
Hold tight to the things that are important. Depending on your age or experience or both, you have a list of dealbreakers in place. Stick with them. You arrived at these dealbreakers for a reason. 

If you are allergic to dogs, and don't want to date a man with pets, then don't. It doesn't mean he's not a nice guy. It just means it won't work for you. Save each other some time and heartache and go your separate ways so you can find the person who is a better fit for you.

3. Love People Where They Are
You and your someone special don't have to agree on everything. He likes country and you like jazz. Maybe you prefer to be Baptist and he's Methodist. If it's not a dealbreaker, then roll with it.

We want people to accept us with all our flaws and mistakes. Are we willing to do the same and accept their imperfections?

Some of these are more of a refresher, but apparently I like doing things the hard way. Here's to doing better next time!

What lessons have you learned from dating?

Friday Reflections {Just As I Am}

The idea of accepting people where they are has been coming up a lot for me this summer. Like many things, it's easier said than done.


We need to remember all that God has forgiven. God accepts me just as I am. He does the same for anyone who comes to him. We have to work on accepting people the way God does.

Motivation Monday {Knowledge or Love?}

But knowledge puffs up while love builds up. 1 Corinthians 8:1

Yesterday the preacher let us know that no one cares how smart we are. We can know the Bible backwards and forwards. But if we aren't showing God's love, then what good is it for us to know how good God is. 

We have to be the hands and feet that reach out and share His love. No, we don't have to approve when people do something wrong. But how hard is it to say things in love rather than judgment?  We need to work on loving people where they are and letting God correct them. 

Let Me Be Honest

I hate painting. But let me explain.

Yesterday morning, my day was off to a good start. I was filled with peace and happiness. I worked on finishing the trim in one of the bedrooms. But painting the house has given me time to think.... and chase the white rabbit.

I talked to a couple of classmates last night to fill them in on what happened. I thought it would be better to preempt any questions with a simple explanation. I found myself deep in conversation with one of the older women in my class. 

Then doubt started to fill my mind. Her take is that Mr. Too Far Apart is scared.

I've been painting again today... and chasing the rabbit again.

Is he missing me? If he is missing me, would he text? Should I text him first? How long do you leave someone alone before you check in to see if there's still a chance to work it out? And what if they aren't missing you and you just embarrass yourself?

I know I'm not the only one that struggles with these questions. 

As strong as I'm trying to be, the truth is I didn't want it to end. I was willing to work out whatever differences there were. 

I'm hoping he is missing me and will change his mind.

What Now?

Thursday was rough. After our break-up conversation, my guy unfriended me on FaceBook. I had to block him so I wouldn't be tempted to keep looking at his page even though there wasn't much for me to see. I removed pictures of us from my phone. My heart ached as I looked at two smiling, happy people and wondered how everything had changed in a week and a half. 

I made it through yesterday without any tears. When you have children, there isn't much time to sit and dwell on things. Or even be alone with your thoughts for long before someone interrupts them needing something.

Today I had a rough moment when I saw he resigned from our last Words with Friends game. I know it's just a game, but it was about more than that. How does someone go from loving you to completely shutting you out of their life?

What now?

I'm not sure when I will be ready to date again. I have resisted letting my heart get involved for so long. Getting it crushed when I put myself out there doesn't help. 

I'm tired of the cliches from well-intentioned friends and family. 

"God has someone else in mind for you."

"Praise God that he's preparing the right person."

On some level I get it and I want to believe it, but today I'm struggling. 

I'm not going to try 6-Months-No-Dating again. I can see a month-long or longer manbattical though. I've got plenty to keep me busy the next few weeks between finishing this semester, moving, and getting my kids ready for the new school year.

Speaking of my kids, I have frosting to make for our cake. Life goes on. I will keep going too.

Too... Far... Apart...

A week and a half ago I was wondering how far is too far apart.

Apparently I wasn't the only one wondering this.

Today my boyfriend broke things off with me. Over the phone. Oh, the joys of long-distance relationships.

He said he couldn't do this any more. I had to ask for clarification of what "this" is.

Since we visited church together he's been thinking about our differences in faith as well. He said he has to be true to himself.

I wasn't going to beg and I didn't. I have begged before and I know how useless it is when someone has already made up their mind. Besides, I won't have to beg the right person to stay.

But I did try to explain a couple of things. Because even when people try not to make it personal, a break-up is taken personally. So I felt like I needed to explain my position a little.

I was concerned about our differences in faith. I was trying to respect where he is. My counselor had told me not to rush things and quit worrying and just let things happen. I had peace when I left her office.

Yet in his self-examination, my guy arrived at a different decision.

He told me I am awesome. Most days I think I am. It's hard to believe that when the person saying it is breaking up with you. He told me my kids are awesome. They are! He said we needed someone who shared our beliefs to be part of our lives and that's not where he is.

I thanked him for his honesty. But I was confused because in early conversations he said if things got serious down the road that he was willing to take his family to church if that's what needed to happen. He said he thought he could do it, but he was wrong.

My faith has been important to me for a long time. When I had no one, I had Jesus. I am not giving that up for any man. I had left a lot of room for this guy to be who he is even when it didn't line up with my own beliefs. 

There has been an honesty and authenticity in this relationship that has been missing with so many with "Christian" men I've dated. That is probably what I will miss the most. And his wit. And his smile.

Ok, I love him. That doesn't stop just because someone ends a relationship. But I will do what I've always done....put one foot in front of the other.

How Far Apart Is Too Far?

We are much closer than this. :)

It's a tough question to answer.

Are we talking about physical distance? I've only tried long-distance dating one other time before this relationship. Being three hours apart became too much back then. But when things went south, it provided a much-needed cushion between us.

This time around I am only and hour and a half away from my guy. Some days it might as well be three hours. One benefit is the distance makes us treasure the moments we do get to be together. The distance also keeps us from rushing things because we can't be with each other every free minute.

What about emotional distance? Maybe it's not so much distance as difference. People speak different love languages. Based on a quiz I took, I prefer acts of service and quality time. Sometimes the physical distance makes the emotional distance challenging. If your someone special speaks a different love language, it can be difficult to adjust to meet their needs. But adjusting is what we need to do for people we care about.

Then there's the issue of spiritual distance. Does your someone special view God the same way you do? The chances of seeing everything exactly the same are pretty slim. So how far apart on your beliefs can you be and remain together? That's the question I'm really struggling with today. I'm trying to be sure that I'm not reading more into things than is there...that I'm not chasing a rabbit down a hole.

How far apart is too far?

Are You Really Listening?

I feel like I'm being retested this week.

Last week I felt like God was saying, "Listen," and that I got the message to keep leaning in. But this week it's like I'm being tested again on the material covered last week. It's like God is asking if I really meant what I shared.

I do. Or I think I do.

Am I really failing that miserably that I need to be retested?

In a discussion this week with my mom, she reminded me that God is the only one we can count on. People will disappoint us. I assured her that I understood that but that I want my person - the one who holds me close at the end of a bad day. 

She reminded me that my person will still irritate or disappoint me just like she gets frustrated with my dad. Even after 43 years of marriage, there are bumps in the road. People get tired and tempers get short and feelings get hurt.

So am I turning to God when I'm lonely and scared and I can't reach my person?

Friday Reflections (Keep Leaning In}

This week I've been trying to focus on listening to the message God has been trying to send me. The message that I might have been missing because I have the next thing to do on my mind.

What is surprising is that it's not a new message.

Lean into God. Keep trusting God.

I know. It's not mind-blowingly profound but there is something beautiful about it's simplicity.

What is it we want from people? Someone to care and be there for us. Apparently, God wanted to remind me that He is always there. When you get stressed, overwhelmed, or worried, give it to God.

Honestly, I could use that reminder every day.

Motivation Monday {Listening to God}

...a wise man will listen and increase his learning, and a discerning man will obtain guidance— Proverbs 1:5

Has God been trying to send you a message and you aren't opening your ears to hear what it is?

It would be nice if God just flat out said whatever it was we were supposed to learn or do or tell us where we are going wrong.

Unfortunately, God doesn't come over a loud speaker and announce the plan for each day.

There's a passage in Mark that the preacher talked about on Sunday. Jesus is telling his disciples for the third time that he is going to die. What's on their minds? John and James don't respond to that annoucement but instead ask about sitting at his right and left in heaven.

How many times do we fail to hear what's being said because we're thinking of our next request for God? Or we are thinking about how what we have isn't quite how we envisioned it?

We need to listen more. It takes practice to get better.

When God Winks {Do It Afraid}

Since the beginning of this year, a theme has been repeating in my life: Do It Afraid. It was in my devotion this morning as well.

All semester I had to give presentations in front of my class. It didn't matter if there were 3 people or 15, my heart would start to race and words spilled out of my mouth faster than my mind could process them. 

Each time I had to get up there and do it afraid. And each time I gave a presentation, it got a little bit easier.

Then I had to talk in front of a group of 30 for work. I could feel my heart racing yet again but tried my best to calm my nerves and talk loudly and clearly.

Next was a sewing workshop for a dozen kids. Like many things, I know enough about sewing to be dangerous...and to teach the basics. When I started talking, my heart was pounding. The words were jumbled in my head and coming out of my mouth. But when I got into the hands-on part, I was in my element. I'm teaching another workshop next week, so it must have gone better than I feared.

Now I've entered a time in my life where I must love afraid. It's scary to date again. It's scary to put myself out there and be vulnerable again. It's scary to kiss more frogs hoping this one might be my prince. 

But if you don't put yourself out there, whatever it is, and do it afraid then you might miss out on a wonderful experience.

What are you willing to do afraid?

6-Months Later {And I'm Dating}

Last month I mentioned that I had created an online dating profile and met a couple of nice people. Well, one of those nice people and I have made a connection and started dating.

Honestly, I didn't expect it to go anywhere. He lives an hour and a half away and invited me for lunch or dinner since here works in my town from time to time.

The dating website said we weren't a good match. 

You answer a series of questions and based on your responses, the dating site tells you what percentage match you are with the other person. I had already turned down some other guys who looked nice enough because the numbers were below 50%.

Some things you can overlook. I don't like scary movies, but the other person might. That is something we can work around.

Other things are deal breakers. If the other person doesn't want a monogamous relationship, then I'm not interested in pursuing more with them.

But there was something there that the website didn't take into account...a human connection that can't be explained by answering questions or crunching numbers...a gut instinct. So, I decided to see where it will lead.

I didn't quite make it all 6 months with no dating, but I had already decided not to put that pressure on myself this time around.

Already this relationship has emphasized my need to just be. No schedules. No timelines. No pressure to reach milestones. 

Just relax and take a deep breath and just be in the moment.

Friday Reflections {Looking Back to Move Forward}

This has turned into a week of reflection.

I got to peer into a world of music and travel and hear about rubbing elbows with the rich and famous. Those things are appealing to a lot of people, but what made me smile the most this week is the prayers of my children, talking with old farmers, and making a new friend. I enjoy moments of glitz and glamor, but that is not how I want to live my life every day.

I went to the concert of an artist that I saw for the first time right after I moved here. I didn't realize it had been so long until they announced the date at the beginning of the show. It stirred up memories of all the things that have changed in the last 6 1/2 years.

I'm definitely in a better place emotionally. Those days where I barely had the strength to crawl out of bed to take care of my kids are long gone. Things that used to bother me don't as much any more.

I think I'm in a better place spiritually too although I still have a lot of room to grow. I have tried to maintain some daily quiet time to be renewed.

I'm in a better place physically. I am jogging on a regular basis and feel fit and healthy.

My mind is probably the only thing I was able to hang onto all this time. Although the cognitive dissonance at times between what was said and what was done frustrated me, my mind continuing to work helped me sort things out.

It's not the journey I would have chosen, but I can see that I am in a much better place.

Motivation Monday {Trusting God for Direction}

By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed and went out to a place he was going to receive as an inheritance. He went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he stayed as a foreigner in the land of promise, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, coheirs of the same promise.  For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose architect and builder is God. - Hebrews 11:8-10 HCSB

This was the scripture the preacher used at church yesterday. His message was directed at graduating high school seniors, but I heard the message in there for me too.

Abraham did not know where he was going. I've heard this part before many times, but it clicked for me yesterday. My life is a journey and I don't always know where I'm going. Even when I have a good plan, it doesn't usually go exactly as expected.

The preacher went onto add that when Abraham finally got to this place that God promised him, it looked nothing like he expected. It was going to require work.

How many times have we built an ideal in our mind of the way something should be? 

I have prayed that God send me a partner for a while now. I have a long list of qualities that I think he should possess. These aren't shallow things like blue eyes and a nice tan. It's a list of character traits that I think the right person for me and my boys should have.

So what happens when the person standing in front of you doesn't come in the package you expected? Open the package anyway and peel off all the layers of wrapping. You may find something inside that's even better than what you prayed for. It's important not to limit the way God may work in your life. That is easier said than done.

The preacher also pointed out that 500 years after Abraham entered the promise land, his family, generations later, was able to walk through vineyards and draw water from wells that he started. It took time for that vineyard to grow and become established. It didn't happen overnight.

I have to remind myself to slow down and take time to get to know someone. Grow in love instead of fall in love. I don't have to have all the answers immediately. God isn't in the habit of giving me those answers in advance anyways.

6-Months-No-Dating {5 Months Down}

Last Friday made 5 months of no dating. Whoopty do. I should probably more pleased with myself, but it's getting to where this feels like one more deadline to meet. I didn't start out this round to require myself to go all 6 months. Now I'm so close, I feel like I should try to make it.

Loneliness has a way of sneaking in. A couple of weeks ago, I decided to sign up for online dating. A friend had recommended a site where she met someone. It's free, so I didn't have much to lose.

A couple of my best photos and witty comments later, I had a profile. I've gotten messages from scammers and those who only want sex. But I've also chatted with a couple of nice people. Getting to know someone takes time, so we'll see if it goes anywhere.

In the back of my head is this nagging thought that I'm supposed to be growing closer in my walk with God during this time. I have to confess that has not happened like it should. 

I've been busy surviving school. My daily devotion time has felt rushed. Another day and another box checked.

As I wind down the semester, I see that month of free time stretching out ahead of me threatening lonely weekends and empty dance cards. Instead of dwelling on what could be or what isn't, I need to find a way to focus on time with my kids and quiet time.

Friday Reflections {On a Saturday}

It's been one of those weeks. You know the kind...where every little thing that can goes wrong does. Or at least it seems that way.

And just when you think it's time for things to improve, something else goes wrong.

Yep, that's been my week.

I was trying to work on my "legacy" this week by loving on my boys, spending quality time with them, and introducing them to new things.

Added to that is the opportunity to work on another part of who I am...part of my legacy.

Resilience.

In my life, I have been knocked down more times than I care to count. I know it could be worse, but the challenges seem to come in the form or fashion that fit the person. You get hit where it hurts the most.

So this week I have practiced pushing through problems and frustrations. I let my kids see me be weak and then get up and keep moving. I want them to know it's okay to get discouraged but they don't have to stay down. Keep pressing on!

Motivation Monday {What Is Your Legacy?}

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  - Matthew 6:19-21

In class tonight we discussed what gives meaning to a person's life. What do you value? What do you put your heart into? How do you want to be remembered?

Good questions that should make you pause to see if you are on track for where you think you should be. If not, are you willing to do what's necessary to accomplish the goal?

Loving Yourself {One Year Later}

That's right. It's been one year since Mr. X and I parted ways. 

I have seen him driving around town a handful of times. The first couple of times I felt my heart rise up in my chest threatening to pound right out of my body. I don't know why I got so nervous. Maybe it's because I was still hurting and missing him.

After not seeing him for several months, I saw him again about a month ago. That sense of fear and dread was gone. It didn't occur to me immediately, but I realized later that I had let go of the hurt and he no longer had a hold on me.

I haven't heard one peep out of him in the last year. Usually people pass a milestone...a birthday or New Year's...and reach out to see how the other person is doing. Not Mr. X. I haven't contacted him either since that Sunday last June where I saw him at church.

He never apologized for his part. I don't expect to ever hear from him again or for him to apologize. That's not who he is. As painful as it was, he did me a favor by not committing to me. He wasn't ever going to be completely committed to me or anyone else. 

I'm in a better place now. I'm not dating by choice. But I am surrounded by love.

April Fools...the Joke's on Me

Yesterday after giving the dud the cold shoulder for 3 months, I decided to be kind instead. I spoke more than two words. We almost had a real conversation even.

The dud stopped by my office again today. He's been coming by about twice a week to check behind his cleaning crew, so I wasn't entirely surprised to see him in the office before lunch.

Since I opened the door a little yesterday, he tried to pursue more conversation today. This time he asked what went wrong with us. I look at him and asked, "Are you serious?"

He said he was, so I asked if I should start with the lying or the other women. He asked if I thought anyone else could lie besides him. It was a humorous exchange to me. Eventually I told him he was dismissed because I didn't have anything else to say about it. He laughingly said I was mean. I assured him that he has not seen me really mad yet. He shook his head and went on his way.

After lunch a man came through the front door of the office carrying a basket of flowers for me. Gerber daisies, pink and yellow roses, and waxflower...some of my favorites.The card said, "You are Beautiful!" but didn't have a name signed to it.

I figured it was from the dud. It was a hand-written note, but I haven't seen much that he has written.

A call to the florist confirmed that it was from the dud. He didn't get me flowers for my birthday while we were dating but he sends them now? You just can't be nice to some people without them thinking there is more going on between the two of you.

The dud came back in later that afternoon with one of his cleaning crew members. They vacuumed and swept the floors but he never mentioned the flowers. I wonder if he will tell me they are from him.

It is flattering to receive flowers, but not as exciting when you know it's someone who is a "no."

6-Months-No-Dating {4 Months and a Day}

Yesterday made 4 months of no dating and I didn't really notice. It crossed my mind at one point but then I forgot until I slowed down when I laid my head down to sleep last night. That's then the weight of things I've been carrying around hit me.

I found myself lonely and tired last night wondering how the father of my boys could just walk away. How can someone refuse to visit their kids and pretend to be a good parent? I married him, so I blame myself for letting him be the father of my children.

And now I'm alone trying to do it all with some assistance from my parents.

I'm not even trying to meet anyone.

A couple of people I know have had success with online dating, but I still can't stomach the idea of it. And I hope to move this summer and don't want to meet anyone here who would thwart that plan.

What I should do is to meet up with some girlfriends for dinner and a night out. But between work and school, I'm short on time and energy those friendships deserve. 

Something has to give....besides me.


I guess the silver lining is I made it 4 months without dating without the pressure I felt when I tried before.

 

6-Months-No-Dating {3 Months and I Didn't Even Try Not to Try}

And just like that, three months have passed without falling for another Mr. Wrong. 

So I've only been to dinner with one male friend who cannot be moved out of the friend zone because we've been in that zone too long. He's a great guy...for someone else. I tried to set him up with someone and it didn't pan out. That's another reason he has to stay in the friend zone. It would hurt my friend if he and I connected now.

While it is comforting to avoid more terrible choices, it has been a little lonely. That pesky holiday with hearts, candy, flowers, and dinner came and went with little fanfare. 

I did hear from the boundary pusher that day. He wished me a Happy Valentine's Day. I wish him a happy single awareness day. He replied that he was definitely that and that he was heading out for a hike that afternoon. The way it was worded, he left the door open so I could invite myself to join him on his hike. No, thanks. I was busy that day taking my boys to basketball and visiting with my sister who was in town. 

I guess I should be excited that someone could still be interested in me. Somehow it's not that flattering.

Most days I find another assignment due for class which leaves little time for thinking about my single status.

I know I don't have to have a man. But I would like a someone special to share life with. Pressing on...

Motivation Monday {Betrayal & Backstabbing}

Listen to my prayer, O God,
    do not ignore my plea;
hear me and answer me.
   My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught
because of what my enemy is saying,
    because of the threats of the wicked;
for they bring down suffering on me     
    and assail me in their anger. - Psalm 55:1-3

Betrayal in any form hurts. Sometimes it's easier to overlook and forgive. 

Mistakes happen. Accidents happen.

But when it becomes clear that someone has sabaotaged you intentially, it hurts. Especially when it is someone who should have your back instead of thrusting the proverbial knife in it.

I am struggling to find a Biblical response. I want justice. I want them to get called out for their bad behavior instead of getting away with it again.

Lord, help me leave justice in your hands and know when to speak up for myself.

Loving Yourself {I'm OK Without You...Really}

In all my years, I have never had this happen. I think I'm being stalked.

Usually when there is a break-up, I talk to whoever I was dating within a few weeks. You start to wonder "what if" and get in touch with the other person to see if they are wondering the same thing.

Not any more.

The red flags were all around with the dud, the last guy I dated. I could see them waving and tried to ignore them and give him the benefit of the doubt. But the truth came out that the flags were right and I needed to walk away.

Apparently, he can't take "no" for an answer. 

He works in my building and keeps finding excuses to stop by our floor the last two weeks after being invisible for a month. Why now? 

Maybe he truly sees that he screwed up with me and wants another chance. But I'm going to guess that things didn't work out with whoever he was pursuing, so now he's got time to chase me down for an answer to "what went wrong." Nevermind that he disappeared after giving an ultimatum that I was supposed to know was a joke.

No, I'm not going to chase after you. You did me a favor by being a jerk. No, I don't wonder where things went wrong. I can see that I should have never entertained the idea of a relationship with you. No, I don't want to try again. I'm thankful God closed that door.

I think about the lyrics from a Cowboy Mouth song: "I might love you, yeah. But I love me more." Not that I loved him. But I do love myself enough to say "not again."

I'm ok without you in my life...really!

6-Months-No-Dating {Two-Month Mark...Again}

This week has been a parade of ex's and bad potential partners. On Tuesday alone, I saw the last dud, the ex almost fiance, the boundary pusher that wanted to date, and then my ex-husband called the boys. So many wrong choices, so little time...

I've reached the two-month mark again of no dating. I'm still not imposing a required limit of 6 months this time around. But based on the selection in this town, I should sail right through it. I have settled one too many times in the past. 

 I am not desperate. 

And neither are you.

I can be alone....even though I'd rather not be some days. Plus who has time to be alone with a full-time job, two kids, and three grad school classes? I'd love to just be able to sit quietly in one place and read a book, that's not required reading, and relax.

Alone time sounds really nice right about now.

Friday Reflections {I Survived Another Week}

My faith has struggled this week. I know what I'm hoping for, but I'm definitely not seeing it...yet. Somehow I have managed to hang on despite all the obstacles that came my way. I suppose that's what you call grace. Hoping my faith improves with some rest this weekend.

Motivaion Monday {Yes, On a Tuesday}

Have you noticed how when you have a Monday off for a holiday that there's twice as much to do on Tuesday? Then it feels like the Monday you missed double teaming you with Tuesday.

Today was one of those days.

At work, letters that should have been sent last week suddenly needed to be sent today. I appreciate the vote of confidence to pull rabbits out of my hat, but there was no way to get everything done today. 

Added to that was the stress of class tonight that included a presentation. It was a rough weekend trying to decide if I really felt like finishing grad school instead of running away to join the circus. Grad school won, so I found myself scrambling to finish an assignment due today with my time off yesterday. I did manage to complete the assignment but felt like I was rolling into class on two wheels. 

It is easy to only post the good things that happen and pretend you don't struggle with any problems. But that's not how the real world works. Some days you just have to get up and put one foot in front of the other even when you don't feel like it. 

Loving Yourself {Is He Committed to You?}

You know that feeling of loss when a relationship ends that you thought was going somewhere? And suddenly you realize you were doing most or all of the work and he was reaping all the benefits. You continued to build the fantasy of your future together and he let you. Maybe he even encouraged you with phrases like "you are not like other girls I've dated" or "this is the best relationship I've ever had." In the end, he walked away. Or maybe you had to walk away because you realized he was NEVER going to commit to you.

In a blog titled The 'New' Side Chick, Miss T.N. King nails it. We've become a place holder until someone else comes along. It's time we love ourselves more and walk away from men who aren't good to us or for us.

Happy New Year!

It's that time of year when people reflect on the past year and set new goals. I set a few goals this past summer, so let's see how I did.

1. Restart something that has fallen by the wayside. I did start jogging again and ran a half marathon in October! I ran a 5K about a month after that. With the change in weather and the addition of some hip pain, I will have to rethink my exercise goal for 2015. I have started hiking with my boys and hope to continue that.

2. Make an improvement in your life that you've been meaning to do. Some weeks sorting the mail goes better than others. Sometimes I look and the basket is brimming over the top. I still have a couple of days before I return to work and hope to get the mail back to a manageable level.

3. Do something special for yourself. Running the half marathon was that something special I did for myself. During that first mile on the course, I remembered why I chose this challenge. It was something I could do for myself without needing a man to help me. Plus I had a weekend alone in a hotel room to relax. OK, I did spend some time writing a paper for class while I was there. Going back to grad school is another thing I have done for myself.

4. Spend time with friends. Unfortunately, spending time with friends has been challenging between school and work. Where I would normally have time for lunch, I had to rearrange my schedule a couple of days a week to be able to get to class on time. I still make time for my friends, but it has been more limited.

How did you do with reaching your goals this past year?