6-Months-No-Dating {Two-Month Mark...Again}

This week has been a parade of ex's and bad potential partners. On Tuesday alone, I saw the last dud, the ex almost fiance, the boundary pusher that wanted to date, and then my ex-husband called the boys. So many wrong choices, so little time...

I've reached the two-month mark again of no dating. I'm still not imposing a required limit of 6 months this time around. But based on the selection in this town, I should sail right through it. I have settled one too many times in the past. 

 I am not desperate. 

And neither are you.

I can be alone....even though I'd rather not be some days. Plus who has time to be alone with a full-time job, two kids, and three grad school classes? I'd love to just be able to sit quietly in one place and read a book, that's not required reading, and relax.

Alone time sounds really nice right about now.

Loving Yourself {Is He Committed to You?}

You know that feeling of loss when a relationship ends that you thought was going somewhere? And suddenly you realize you were doing most or all of the work and he was reaping all the benefits. You continued to build the fantasy of your future together and he let you. Maybe he even encouraged you with phrases like "you are not like other girls I've dated" or "this is the best relationship I've ever had." In the end, he walked away. Or maybe you had to walk away because you realized he was NEVER going to commit to you.

In a blog titled The 'New' Side Chick, Miss T.N. King nails it. We've become a place holder until someone else comes along. It's time we love ourselves more and walk away from men who aren't good to us or for us.

6-Months-No-Dating {Holding Pattern}

It appears that I am in a terrible rut. 

Every two weeks I find myself breaking a relationship with a man that I never intended to get into. 

How does someone who isn't supposed to be dating keep ending up in something that feels like dating? I explain up front that I'm not dating right now. Maybe it's the man's need to prove himself that he keeps pursuing and keeps pushing.

I admit I've been feeling lonely and weak. So how do I avoid getting sucked into something that's not really what I want and avoid feeling lonely?

How do I break out of this holding pattern that is keeping me from moving closer to where I need to be? Thankfully, grad school is about to start again. Between my homework and my kids' homework, I won't have time to think about being lonely.

6-Months-No-Dating {Red Flag of Courage}

Why is it that when you aren't looking or interested, the men are readily available?

Two weeks ago a former co-worker tried to introduce me to a man. She said he was such a nice guy and good looking and hard working and a good father. These are all great characteristics I would like in my knight. But then she mentioned that his divorce isn't quite final. Red flag #1.

I explain to her that I'm not dating right now, but I can be a friend because I have been through divorce. I was also organizing a singles bowling night for my friends, so he could come and meet some new people, several of whom are divorced parents. It would be an hour and a half drive one way, but he would be welcome to join us.

So this potential knight calls me to talk. I am not a talk-on-the-phone person. I answer the phone at work. And as a solo mom to two kids, I don't have much time for walking around with a phone stuck to my ear. Texting is a great option since I can pick up my phone, say a little something, and then come back to it later.

After one week of texting and a few phone calls, my potential knight sent me flowers. Red flag #2. It was all happening too fast for me. All the phone calls plus flowers in one week. This was starting to resemble dating. I tried to quell my concerns and consider that he is someone who is hurting and hasn't dated in 10 years.

During our conversations, there began to be other little red flags that popped up. I tried to squash them also, marking it up to my being hurt from past relationships. Then some of his behavior the night of bowling had me viewing my potential knight as more of the court jester. My gut was saying that something wasn't right.

Then I got an unexpected punch in the gut on Monday. I received an innocent text from Mr. X's sister related to work. Seeing the name on my phone made me realize that there is still some hurt. I'm still not ready for dating. And it gave me and courage to escape from this "friendship" that was spiraling into more than I wanted or needed.

My potential knight didn't understand. After 6 months of being separated, he is ready to move on with someone new. He thought I should be closer to where he is. But I'm not.

At the end of the day, I know I need this time to heal. If this guy is supposed to be my knight in shining armor, then he will be around when my 6-month of no dating ends.

6-Months-No-Dating {Struggling in the First Month}

What a stressful week! On top of writing my first paper due for a grad school class this summer, I found myself feeling weak about my no-dating pledge.

"Knight in Shining Armor" suggests changing the way dating is viewed. Instead of dating to get to know someone, first we should get to know someone before dating. Yes, I realize that the point of the first few dates to get to know whether or not someone is worthy of taking things further. I'm trying to get a different result, so I'm trying to embrace the idea in the book. 

A very interested man has started pursuing me. I have a list of qualities I'm looking for in my knight, so I casually and cautiously began inquiring about these things. I told him about my no-dating pledge. He said he didn't understand but that people were different, so he could respect that. I explained that I liked the idea of getting to know someone without the pressure of a goodnight kiss or holding hands. He has said repeatedly that he's fine taking things slow for now and doesn't want to pressure me.

We have text some during the day, but then he wanted to talk on the phone or get together in the evening. I put him off a couple of times, but I can tell he wants more. It has started to feel like dating of old. That is not where I want to be. I asked to take a couple of days off from contact - no texting and no phone calls. He kindly agreed.

It would be so easy to run to the arms of someone new, especially when he's showing me attention that was lacking in my last relationship. But part of the point of not dating is to learning to lean on God and not another man.  

I'm meeting a friend for lunch later this week. She pointed out that if he's the right guy, he will be here in 6 months. I can see that I need to break off contact with this guy. It's hard to walk away from potential.

Count Your Blessings

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever! Psalm118:1

Sometimes it's easy to see how God has provided for you. Other times you have to be intentional about seeing the good instead of dwelling on the bad.

Did you make a list of ways to love yourself? If so, have you stopped to see how you are doing? I have to say I'm doing pretty well. Yes, it's only been a couple of weeks, but it encourages me to continue when I see the progress I've made.

1. I'm still running. My knees may have other plans, but for now I'm sticking with it. Plus I like that I lost 5 pounds in the first 2 months of jogging.

2. I'm attempting to open all my mail when it arrives, but sometimes it sneaks into my "in" basket without me seeing it. That's one I will have to continue to work out. Yes, it sounds like a simple thing, but I find it challenging to stay ahead of the piles.

3. I've done several small things that are special for me. This weekend I'm going to take a painting class, go to a concert and order a comforter for my bed that I've been eyeing. It happens to be a child-free weekend, so I'm going to maximize my "me" time.

4. I've continued to make time for friends. The time with them usually takes my mind off my problems. It's good to relax and unwind with them.

Maybe you haven't made a list of ways to love yourself. Instead make a list of things you've accomplished in life. Remember what your life was like before something went wrong. Or maybe nothing terrible has happened but you need encouragement.

Try making a list of all the cities/countries you have visited, concerts you have seen, or special events you were part of. If you are struggling to find something worth writing down, look for ways to change that. Where can you plug in? Where can you volunteer time? Life is full of possibilities!

When God Winks {God Winks Again}

My boys and I started a new habit this year of devotion time together before bed. What they don't realize is how many times the message is as much for me as it is for them.

When I opened the book last night, the title for the devotion was "It Feels Good to Obey and Forgive." I couldn't help but smile. I read the words to my boys about doing the right thing by forgiving other people and how you'll feel good knowing you're obeying God. I felt myself smile even more.

That's when it hit me.

I was smiling.

Two weeks earlier I had read a devotion about forgiving others and fought back tears because I knew what God was asking me to do. I had wrestled with God many nights in the wee hours of the morning. It wasn't fair that I had to be the one to ask for and offer forgiveness when the other person wasn't sorry at all.

Last night I found myself smiling because my feelings had finally caught up. The joy I expected to feel the day before in the midst of my faithfulness had finally shown up. And I was filled with hope.

When God Winks {Following Instructions}

Have you ever had those times when you wondered if God was there? Did He even hear your prayers? Then something happens and it's like God is winking at you saying, "I am letting you know I hear you."

I've wondered about that recently. I have seen Him around me, but I haven't been so sure He was talking to me.  He winked at me several times today. 

I left my grandmother's house about an hour and a half away and decided to find a church to visit on the way home. I made it all the way back to my current hometown before stopping. I had a passed a church and felt prompted to visit. Honestly, I considered skipping and going to see a friend. But I felt convicted to go to church, so I turned around and went to the place I was prompted to visit. It was going to work out well since they had just started their morning service.

That's when I saw Mr. X's car. Why would God want me to come to church here?

When we entered the sanctuary, I saw him sitting on the left in the back row, so I took the boys over to the right side. I was praying and trying to focus on why God wanted me there. Then the preacher began reading the parable of the unforgiving servant from Matthew 18. How much has God forgiven me? Can't I forgive Mr. X? God was winking because I have prayed about this subject many times recently.

Tears quietly streamed down my cheeks as I scrambled to find a napkin in my purse. I couldn't look over his way. Our eyes had already met once during the offering with both of us waving a feeble hello. He probably wasn't looking at me anyways, but I didn't want him to think I was crying over him. Maybe some of those tears were about him though.

The preacher continued his sermon emphasizing not letting one more day go by without forgiveness. It was like God was blinking both eyes as if to say, "Hey, I mean you!" The preacher continued on to say we are told before making an offering to reconcile with our brothers. This same scripture was in my Knight book, which in this passage emphasized forgiving, reconciling and unconditionally loving someone who is holding you back from reaching the hem of Jesus. I desperately want to get to Jesus, even if it's only to touch his hem! Again, God was winking. 

I knew what I had to do. I've never seen Mr. X move so quickly as he did heading to his car today. With kids in tow, I chased him down. After ignoring me the first time I called his name, he turned around and said hello. The boys ran up to hug him. I asked him to wait as I quickly ushered them to the car. 

With air conditioning running, boys were situated in the car. Tears streamed down my cheeks again as I took a deep breath to say my piece. I told him I had truly loved him. He said he had loved me too. I told him I wanted him to be it. He said he did too. I said I was sorry for trying to change him. He said I wasn't getting what I wanted and that's what people do. I said it wasn't my job to change him and I was sorry for that. He said it was okay and that it just didn't work. I told him that was all I wanted to say. He patted me on the back and left. 

Cold. No apology for anything he did. And that hurt. 

The author of the Knight book said loving someone unconditionally means not expecting anything from them - not even an apology when they have hurt you.

So I have to trust that God is pleased. I did what He asked. And it's more important to please Him than any man. I'm hoping God winks at me again before bedtime tonight.

"I-Don't-Need-a-Man-to-Buy-Me-a-Ring" Ring

After my divorce five years ago, the ring finger on my left hand felt naked. I could have rushed into another relationship for the sake of having someone. That didn't feel right any more than the divorce. 

The loss of the ring wasn't about losing a piece of jewelry. It wasn't a big flashy rock but a simple trio of diamonds that had belonged to his grandmother. The loss of the ring was about loss of commitment. That was the difficult part.

I decided to buy myself a ring. Actually, I bought myself three rings. It wasn't an engagement ring or wedding ring, but pretty cocktail rings with semi-precious stones I could wear on my left hand so I didn't feel so exposed. I called it my "I-Don't-Need-a-Man-to-Buy-Me-a-Ring" Ring.

As time passed, I didn't feel the need to wear one as often. One night I talked to a lady who was going through a break-up of her own. I gave her the ring I was wearing because sometimes other women need to be reminded that they don't have to have a man just to get a ring. What women really want isn't the ring but the commitment behind the ring.

My most recent break-up was a tough one because we were discussing marriage. He had mentioned growing old together. He had bought a ring. The commitment wasn't there. But God is always there. It's time to commit more to Him. He will never leave us or forsake us. 

And I'm going to buy myself another ring....maybe two.

Note: Both rings pictured above are available on ebay from aasilverlining. I am not trying to promote one seller over another. I am partial to the styles available from this seller. Please feel free to shop anywhere you like for a ring that makes you smile.

Loving Yourself {Love Your Neighbor As Yourself}

Loving other people sounds simple enough, but think of it in light of how you love yourself. Clearly a lot of people don't love themselves or they would be a whole lot happier and wouldn't work so hard to make other people miserable.

I've been thinking about ways to love myself, especially with my newly found free time that isn't dedicated to pleasing someone else. Time to refocus on taking care of me! Maybe you are looking for ways to love on yourself too. I made a list of several things I want to accomplish in life. Here are some things I decided to start doing first.

1. Restart something that has fallen by the wayside. I decided to start jogging again. I was hoping to get rid of some of the jiggle, which has definitely improved over the last two months. Today a high school classmate issued a challenge for people to join her for a half marathon. I've never run that far, but I'm willing to try!

2. Make an improvement in your life that you've been meaning to do. This doesn't have to be something big. Maybe you want to balance your checkbook more often. I want to start opening my mail as soon as it arrives so I don't end up with large piles to sort through every month. It's not a big project, but it will reduce clutter which is helpful.

3. Do something special for yourself. With 2 small boys, it's easy to put me on the back burner. Factor in a boyfriend, and that time for myself shrinks even more. As I said, there's more time to focus on me now. Get that massage you've been wanting. Try a new hairstyle. What is something you have put off doing because you were busy meeting everyone else's needs?

4. Spend time with friends. Evenings are busy trying to feed kids and get them ready for bed. However, lunch is a great time for me to catch up with friends. Maybe the opposite is true for you. Plan a special girls weekend away even if it's only a morning out to get pedicures and eat brunch.

Just because one phase of life has ended doesn't mean life has ended. It means you have new opportunities. You don't have to fix it all in a day, a week, or a year. Take your time and love yourself!

6-Months-No-Dating {Starting Over}

Maybe you find yourself in a place where you are starting over. Maybe it's a relationship, a job change, or a move to a new town. I highly recommend Andy Stanley's Starting Over series as a good place to get on the right track. Even if you aren't a believer in the Christian faith, he gives some good advice that you might find useful.

My "starting over" is due to a relationship that ended about two months ago. The first step of "Own It" was easy enough to do. A relationship is made of two people and no one is perfect. If everyone is contributing to the relationship, then they contribute something to its failure also. 

Okay, easier said than done. But I truly wanted to move past the hurt and get to a healthier place, so I sat down with my notebook, drew the circle of blame, and listed my part of what went wrong. So now what?

One of my biggest struggles has been forgiving myself. In the past 6 years, I have gotten better about weeding out the guys that weren't quite right. I was praying about each relationship as it came up. 

When Mr. X came along, he had a lot of good qualities. I really want him to be "the guy" and stop searching. But I was trying to force a square peg into a round hole and ignored red flags. Somewhere along the way, I lost my focus on God and limited His input. Thankfully, God saw something I didn't and closed the door on that relationship.

The second step to starting over is "Rethink It." When we find ourselves in a jam we ask, "How did this happen to me?" Andy Stanley gives 7 common assumptions that explain what we were thinking in some of those situations. As I said in my last post, it's like he was talking directly to my situation at times. The first assumption he mentioned hit it right on the head. I thought if I could just find the right person, then everything in my life would be better. In my moments of honesty the last few weeks, I realized I had been trying to get a man to fill a Jesus-shaped hole in my heart.

In this same sermon, Andy Stanley suggests taking a year off from dating. That's a long time! Especially when 40 seems to beating down my door. But this idea of taking time off from dating kept creeping back in. I wondered if anyone else had taken on this challenge. In my search I came across a blog from The District Diva, who took 6 months off from dating.

The idea of not dating for 6 months came from the book “Your Knight in Shining Armor: Discovering Your Lifelong Love.” Six months seems like a much more manageable amount of time, so I ordered the book to guide me along. Not only is this 6 months of not dating, but it's also about spending more time with God. 

I officially decided to make this pledge on May 27. So here's to the next 6 months minus 2 days!

Loving Yourself {Learning to Love Me}

"A lot of pain could be avoided if people learned to be honest with themselves. If you aren't being honest with yourself, then you aren't loving yourself. If you aren't loving yourself, then you can't really give anyone else love. Be honest with yourself so you can give the best of yourself to the relationships that truly matter."

This idea was rolling around in my head during the drive home from family vacation this past weekend. Almost two months out of another wrong relationship, I was contemplating life as I drove the long stretches of highway, my boys distracted in the backseat with a DVD. 

How had I once again found myself in this place? Why was I starting over again?

Recently, I watched Andy Stanley's new series about Starting Over. So many times it was like he was speaking directly to my situation. So while I had a few minutes to myself, this idea of loving yourself came to mind. 

Of course, I was thinking about how it applied to him...the most recent guy to exit my life. But there's nothing I can do to fix anyone but me. 

So how does this apply to me? What am I doing to love myself?