Life is hard. No one gets out alive. Few people get through without any bumps and bruises. So when I meet someone new, I listen to their story and I find myself watching and observing to see who the real person is.
A friend tried to set me up with someone new back in August. I wasn't quite ready and had to let go of some hurt to put myself out there again.
And then I found myself waiting.
My initial hesitance caused him to pause. And even after deciding I was ready to move forward, he had cold feet.
This week he finally decided to be all in too. Until he wasn't.
He received some troubling news related to his family. I sympathize greatly. It's news that would upset me too. But with this troubling news, he has retreated. He warned me that he probably would.
I get that people deal with problems in different ways. I've tried to give space for him to sort through his emotions. I have things going on too, but he's not checking on me. He can find time to post on FaceBook but not text me.
Once again I find myself silently waiting and wondering where I fit in.
The truth is, he's telling me that I don't fit in. He's showing me who he is. He may be an overall nice guy, but right now he's treating me like a doormat.
I deserve better.
In all my years, I have never had this happen. I think I'm being stalked.
Usually when there is a break-up, I talk to whoever I was dating within a few weeks. You start to wonder "what if" and get in touch with the other person to see if they are wondering the same thing.
Not any more.
The red flags were all around with the dud, the last guy I dated. I could see them waving and tried to ignore them and give him the benefit of the doubt. But the truth came out that the flags were right and I needed to walk away.
Apparently, he can't take "no" for an answer.
He works in my building and keeps finding excuses to stop by our floor the last two weeks after being invisible for a month. Why now?
Maybe he truly sees that he screwed up with me and wants another chance. But I'm going to guess that things didn't work out with whoever he was pursuing, so now he's got time to chase me down for an answer to "what went wrong." Nevermind that he disappeared after giving an ultimatum that I was supposed to know was a joke.
No, I'm not going to chase after you. You did me a favor by being a jerk. No, I don't wonder where things went wrong. I can see that I should have never entertained the idea of a relationship with you. No, I don't want to try again. I'm thankful God closed that door.
I think about the lyrics from a Cowboy Mouth song: "I might love you, yeah. But I love me more." Not that I loved him. But I do love myself enough to say "not again."
I'm ok without you in my life...really!
You know that feeling of loss when a relationship ends that you thought was going somewhere? And suddenly you realize you were doing most or all of the work and he was reaping all the benefits. You continued to build the fantasy of your future together and he let you. Maybe he even encouraged you with phrases like "you are not like other girls I've dated" or "this is the best relationship I've ever had." In the end, he walked away. Or maybe you had to walk away because you realized he was NEVER going to commit to you.
In a blog titled The 'New' Side Chick, Miss T.N. King nails it. We've become a place holder until someone else comes along. It's time we love ourselves more and walk away from men who aren't good to us or for us.
