Does Distance Make the Heart Grow Fonder?

He's a great guy. He gets my humor. He knows my story and I don't have to explain it again.

So why isn't this working?

Because it's hard to have a relationship with someone who is 6 hours away. 

There's only so much that FaceTime and phone calls can do to bridge the distance. Meeting every 3 to 4 weeks in person is good, but it's not the same as being able to stop over one evening for supper when you live in the same town. 

So this weekend I ended my romantic relationship.

We've pledged to remain friends and revisit the idea of dating in a couple of months. We've texted today just like we usually do, so I'm not sure we either one really want to take that step back. But the pressure of maintaining a relationship with someone that far away was weighing on me.

Can distance make the heart grow fonder?

Time will tell.

Cautiously Optimistic

The relationship with my friend from high school has continued to grow and blossom into something more.

My boys and I visited him over the winter break. He played tour guide for us while we were in Texas. It was a casual way to introduce my boys to him. Plus it gave me a chance to see if he had what it takes to put up with my boys.

He passed with flying colors!

When we returned home, my mother commented on how polite the boys were being. She knew we had been working on manners, but the boys had changed so much during our time away. 

It's because of my friend. He consistently encouraged them to speak kindly to the wait staff at meals and to me throughout the day. 

Could this be the person I've been searching for? He's definitely been a positive influence on them. If he had this kind of impact after 4 days, imagine the next 10 years for them.

I've found hope again just when I was ready to throw in the towel on dating. 

Long-Distance Limbo

The last couple of months have been strange. 

I've been talking with an old friend from high school. It's easy... the way I think dating should be. He knows my story and I don't have to explain the ugly parts. He's already heard them.

But there is distance.

He's closed to gap by moving closer. He's no longer 20 hours away but now 6 hours away. That's still a long drive.

Somehow I haven't noticed the distance as much as I have before with other relationships. Maybe it's the comfort level we have as old friends. I don't feel as pressured to be "on" like I have at the beginning of other relationships.

Maybe I haven't noticed the distance because I've been so busy with another semester of school. And knocking out my on-site hours. And taking care of my kids.

At one point in the semester he worried that he was distracting me from school. I was feeling bad because I didn't think I was giving him the attention he deserves. It's a strange new place to find myself...someone who thinks of me as much as I think of them.

Attempting to date long-distance is challenging. But this time I think I've found something that's been missing.

Weighing My Options

After living here a couple of months, I know I need to get out and meet people. I love my kids, but I need adult interaction.

I reinstated my dating profile, and the messages started flowing in. I felt uncertain about trying to date again. I let several days pass while I sat on my feelings. Twiddling my thumbs at home isn't helping me meet people, so I answered a couple of the messages.

One of the guys got frustrated that I didn't answer immediately. He could see I was on the dating website. He assumed that I was ignoring him because his next message to me was that it looked like I was too busy on the site to respond and that it was nice chatting with me. I let him know I was sidetracked by my kids and nice chatting with him too.

No one needs that kind of pressure. Even if it hadn't been my kids, I might have stopped looking at the site to check laundry. Or I might have been considering a thoughtful response. Give people a chance to reply. What his response showed me is that he is self-centered. Thanks for saving me from you!

And that guy's response reminded me that I really don't feel like dating again right now. It's not that I relive it with each telling the way I used to. I'm just tired of thinking about it.

I am shaped by my past, but it doesn't define my future.

Yes, I want to meet someone special, but I don't think that's going to happen online for me. That night I deleted my profile and found myself back at square one.

Another option is to join a Bible study group. No, I don't plan to do this to find someone to date. It would be nice to get out and meet other adults besides the ones where I work. Plus it would be nice to connect with other believers. Between my school schedule and more parents' work, I'm not sure how I will be able to do that unless childcare is provided.

There are running groups along the Coast I would like to join. The exercise would help lift my overall mood. Additionally, it would give me an opportunity to meet new people. Unfortunately, I have the same problem of school and work schedules.

I know I need to do something differently to get a different result. The question remains of what to do.

True Colors Shining Through

Life is hard. No one gets out alive. Few people get through without any bumps and bruises. So when I meet someone new, I listen to their story and I find myself watching and observing to see who the real person is. 

A friend tried to set me up with someone new back in August. I wasn't quite ready and had to let go of some hurt to put myself out there again.

And then I found myself waiting.

My initial hesitance caused him to pause. And even after deciding I was ready to move forward, he had cold feet.

This week he finally decided to be all in too. Until he wasn't.

He received some troubling news related to his family. I sympathize greatly. It's news that would upset me too. But with this troubling news, he has retreated. He warned me that he probably would.

I get that people deal with problems in different ways. I've tried to give space for him to sort through his emotions. I have things going on too, but he's not checking on me. He can find time to post on FaceBook but not text me.

Once again I find myself silently waiting and wondering where I fit in.

The truth is, he's telling me that I don't fit in. He's showing me who he is. He may be an overall nice guy, but right now he's treating me like a doormat.

I deserve better.

When You Aren't Quite Ready

I made it through my month-long manbattical with no trouble. Between moving and school, I didn't have time to worry about being alone. In fact, I had a week with no kids and limited adult interaction which was a much needed break and time to gather my thoughts. I also used that month to catch up with old friends.

Now I've returned to a place I lived over 15 years ago. I have a couple of friends who are still here, but there are so many new faces. Plus I'm meeting new people with my job.

New doors are opening, and I'm not sure I'm ready to walk through any of them. 

I'm not missing anyone else. My heart isn't ready to love again yet. Getting to know someone is even a scary prospect. One day I will be willing to give away my heart again. But for now...

3 Dating Lessons Learned

Now that I've been able to step back and evaluate things without emotions overwhelming my thoughts, I realize there are a few lessons to be learned from my most recent dating experience. 

1. Let Go
Let go of rigid ideas about how life is supposed to be and how things are supposed to turn out. So you're looking at the top of the head of the person standing in front of you. Forget what's on the outside and focus on what's on the inside.

Let go of needing to have all the answers. Trying to control things tends to frustrate me more. Sometimes I need to let go and just be. Maybe you need to do the same.

2. Hang On
Hold tight to the things that are important. Depending on your age or experience or both, you have a list of dealbreakers in place. Stick with them. You arrived at these dealbreakers for a reason. 

If you are allergic to dogs, and don't want to date a man with pets, then don't. It doesn't mean he's not a nice guy. It just means it won't work for you. Save each other some time and heartache and go your separate ways so you can find the person who is a better fit for you.

3. Love People Where They Are
You and your someone special don't have to agree on everything. He likes country and you like jazz. Maybe you prefer to be Baptist and he's Methodist. If it's not a dealbreaker, then roll with it.

We want people to accept us with all our flaws and mistakes. Are we willing to do the same and accept their imperfections?

Some of these are more of a refresher, but apparently I like doing things the hard way. Here's to doing better next time!

What lessons have you learned from dating?

What Now?

Thursday was rough. After our break-up conversation, my guy unfriended me on FaceBook. I had to block him so I wouldn't be tempted to keep looking at his page even though there wasn't much for me to see. I removed pictures of us from my phone. My heart ached as I looked at two smiling, happy people and wondered how everything had changed in a week and a half. 

I made it through yesterday without any tears. When you have children, there isn't much time to sit and dwell on things. Or even be alone with your thoughts for long before someone interrupts them needing something.

Today I had a rough moment when I saw he resigned from our last Words with Friends game. I know it's just a game, but it was about more than that. How does someone go from loving you to completely shutting you out of their life?

What now?

I'm not sure when I will be ready to date again. I have resisted letting my heart get involved for so long. Getting it crushed when I put myself out there doesn't help. 

I'm tired of the cliches from well-intentioned friends and family. 

"God has someone else in mind for you."

"Praise God that he's preparing the right person."

On some level I get it and I want to believe it, but today I'm struggling. 

I'm not going to try 6-Months-No-Dating again. I can see a month-long or longer manbattical though. I've got plenty to keep me busy the next few weeks between finishing this semester, moving, and getting my kids ready for the new school year.

Speaking of my kids, I have frosting to make for our cake. Life goes on. I will keep going too.

Too... Far... Apart...

A week and a half ago I was wondering how far is too far apart.

Apparently I wasn't the only one wondering this.

Today my boyfriend broke things off with me. Over the phone. Oh, the joys of long-distance relationships.

He said he couldn't do this any more. I had to ask for clarification of what "this" is.

Since we visited church together he's been thinking about our differences in faith as well. He said he has to be true to himself.

I wasn't going to beg and I didn't. I have begged before and I know how useless it is when someone has already made up their mind. Besides, I won't have to beg the right person to stay.

But I did try to explain a couple of things. Because even when people try not to make it personal, a break-up is taken personally. So I felt like I needed to explain my position a little.

I was concerned about our differences in faith. I was trying to respect where he is. My counselor had told me not to rush things and quit worrying and just let things happen. I had peace when I left her office.

Yet in his self-examination, my guy arrived at a different decision.

He told me I am awesome. Most days I think I am. It's hard to believe that when the person saying it is breaking up with you. He told me my kids are awesome. They are! He said we needed someone who shared our beliefs to be part of our lives and that's not where he is.

I thanked him for his honesty. But I was confused because in early conversations he said if things got serious down the road that he was willing to take his family to church if that's what needed to happen. He said he thought he could do it, but he was wrong.

My faith has been important to me for a long time. When I had no one, I had Jesus. I am not giving that up for any man. I had left a lot of room for this guy to be who he is even when it didn't line up with my own beliefs. 

There has been an honesty and authenticity in this relationship that has been missing with so many with "Christian" men I've dated. That is probably what I will miss the most. And his wit. And his smile.

Ok, I love him. That doesn't stop just because someone ends a relationship. But I will do what I've always done....put one foot in front of the other.

How Far Apart Is Too Far?

We are much closer than this. :)

It's a tough question to answer.

Are we talking about physical distance? I've only tried long-distance dating one other time before this relationship. Being three hours apart became too much back then. But when things went south, it provided a much-needed cushion between us.

This time around I am only and hour and a half away from my guy. Some days it might as well be three hours. One benefit is the distance makes us treasure the moments we do get to be together. The distance also keeps us from rushing things because we can't be with each other every free minute.

What about emotional distance? Maybe it's not so much distance as difference. People speak different love languages. Based on a quiz I took, I prefer acts of service and quality time. Sometimes the physical distance makes the emotional distance challenging. If your someone special speaks a different love language, it can be difficult to adjust to meet their needs. But adjusting is what we need to do for people we care about.

Then there's the issue of spiritual distance. Does your someone special view God the same way you do? The chances of seeing everything exactly the same are pretty slim. So how far apart on your beliefs can you be and remain together? That's the question I'm really struggling with today. I'm trying to be sure that I'm not reading more into things than is there...that I'm not chasing a rabbit down a hole.

How far apart is too far?