I Made It!

Finally!

It's been two years since I decided to finish my master's degree. Last week I walked across the stage at graduation!

My family was there. No boyfriend. No significant other. And I'm okay with that.

I did it! Without a man! OK, I guess you could count my dad since he did babysit while I went to class. And if you are reading this, know that you can do it too!

For too long, I've looked for someone else to complete my life. The only constant source of love and support has been God.

These last two years I attempted to date in between going to class and taking care of my kids. I've seen a few moments of high, but there's also been lots of lows by being let down repeatedly by bad choices. Really, I let myself down. I made the choice to pursue something with them, even if only for a short time.

I think I've finally made peace with being alone.

Would I like to meet someone and have this relationship I've been longing for? Of course! 

But God's going to have to drop him in my lap. 

Until then, I'm going to focus on my new job coming up in the fall and spending time with my children.

Hanging On

Today someone asked how I was doing. I told them I was hanging on like a hair in a biscuit.

Horrible visual, I know. But it's also fitting.

Lots of good things seem to be going on in the world around me, but I'm not so much enjoying them as I am hanging on for dear life so I don't completely miss out.

I still haven't connected with people at church. I don't meet up with my friend in town. My family has been fighting off the latest round of germs circulating the school. I'm trying to press through the next 2 months and get to graduation.

Then what? I'm not sure. I'm applying for jobs so I can figure out the next step. But everything is up in the air right now.

So I'll keep hanging on...hoping that things will improve soon.

Is there a hair or not a hair?

Does Distance Make the Heart Grow Fonder?

He's a great guy. He gets my humor. He knows my story and I don't have to explain it again.

So why isn't this working?

Because it's hard to have a relationship with someone who is 6 hours away. 

There's only so much that FaceTime and phone calls can do to bridge the distance. Meeting every 3 to 4 weeks in person is good, but it's not the same as being able to stop over one evening for supper when you live in the same town. 

So this weekend I ended my romantic relationship.

We've pledged to remain friends and revisit the idea of dating in a couple of months. We've texted today just like we usually do, so I'm not sure we either one really want to take that step back. But the pressure of maintaining a relationship with someone that far away was weighing on me.

Can distance make the heart grow fonder?

Time will tell.

Cautiously Optimistic

The relationship with my friend from high school has continued to grow and blossom into something more.

My boys and I visited him over the winter break. He played tour guide for us while we were in Texas. It was a casual way to introduce my boys to him. Plus it gave me a chance to see if he had what it takes to put up with my boys.

He passed with flying colors!

When we returned home, my mother commented on how polite the boys were being. She knew we had been working on manners, but the boys had changed so much during our time away. 

It's because of my friend. He consistently encouraged them to speak kindly to the wait staff at meals and to me throughout the day. 

Could this be the person I've been searching for? He's definitely been a positive influence on them. If he had this kind of impact after 4 days, imagine the next 10 years for them.

I've found hope again just when I was ready to throw in the towel on dating. 

Long-Distance Limbo

The last couple of months have been strange. 

I've been talking with an old friend from high school. It's easy... the way I think dating should be. He knows my story and I don't have to explain the ugly parts. He's already heard them.

But there is distance.

He's closed to gap by moving closer. He's no longer 20 hours away but now 6 hours away. That's still a long drive.

Somehow I haven't noticed the distance as much as I have before with other relationships. Maybe it's the comfort level we have as old friends. I don't feel as pressured to be "on" like I have at the beginning of other relationships.

Maybe I haven't noticed the distance because I've been so busy with another semester of school. And knocking out my on-site hours. And taking care of my kids.

At one point in the semester he worried that he was distracting me from school. I was feeling bad because I didn't think I was giving him the attention he deserves. It's a strange new place to find myself...someone who thinks of me as much as I think of them.

Attempting to date long-distance is challenging. But this time I think I've found something that's been missing.

Weighing My Options

After living here a couple of months, I know I need to get out and meet people. I love my kids, but I need adult interaction.

I reinstated my dating profile, and the messages started flowing in. I felt uncertain about trying to date again. I let several days pass while I sat on my feelings. Twiddling my thumbs at home isn't helping me meet people, so I answered a couple of the messages.

One of the guys got frustrated that I didn't answer immediately. He could see I was on the dating website. He assumed that I was ignoring him because his next message to me was that it looked like I was too busy on the site to respond and that it was nice chatting with me. I let him know I was sidetracked by my kids and nice chatting with him too.

No one needs that kind of pressure. Even if it hadn't been my kids, I might have stopped looking at the site to check laundry. Or I might have been considering a thoughtful response. Give people a chance to reply. What his response showed me is that he is self-centered. Thanks for saving me from you!

And that guy's response reminded me that I really don't feel like dating again right now. It's not that I relive it with each telling the way I used to. I'm just tired of thinking about it.

I am shaped by my past, but it doesn't define my future.

Yes, I want to meet someone special, but I don't think that's going to happen online for me. That night I deleted my profile and found myself back at square one.

Another option is to join a Bible study group. No, I don't plan to do this to find someone to date. It would be nice to get out and meet other adults besides the ones where I work. Plus it would be nice to connect with other believers. Between my school schedule and more parents' work, I'm not sure how I will be able to do that unless childcare is provided.

There are running groups along the Coast I would like to join. The exercise would help lift my overall mood. Additionally, it would give me an opportunity to meet new people. Unfortunately, I have the same problem of school and work schedules.

I know I need to do something differently to get a different result. The question remains of what to do.

True Colors Shining Through

Life is hard. No one gets out alive. Few people get through without any bumps and bruises. So when I meet someone new, I listen to their story and I find myself watching and observing to see who the real person is. 

A friend tried to set me up with someone new back in August. I wasn't quite ready and had to let go of some hurt to put myself out there again.

And then I found myself waiting.

My initial hesitance caused him to pause. And even after deciding I was ready to move forward, he had cold feet.

This week he finally decided to be all in too. Until he wasn't.

He received some troubling news related to his family. I sympathize greatly. It's news that would upset me too. But with this troubling news, he has retreated. He warned me that he probably would.

I get that people deal with problems in different ways. I've tried to give space for him to sort through his emotions. I have things going on too, but he's not checking on me. He can find time to post on FaceBook but not text me.

Once again I find myself silently waiting and wondering where I fit in.

The truth is, he's telling me that I don't fit in. He's showing me who he is. He may be an overall nice guy, but right now he's treating me like a doormat.

I deserve better.